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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23442325">A tangled predicament</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aslongasimyours/pseuds/aslongasimyours'>aslongasimyours</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:01:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>19,746</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23442325</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aslongasimyours/pseuds/aslongasimyours</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus begins to notice someone at the meetings. Tonks does the same.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 1 – In Which Feelings Go Badly<br/>Things were going very badly.<br/>Remus sat down in the squashy leather chair in the library to think about his current predicament. It was a tangled and frustrating predicament. It had many factors to think about. And Remus liked to think about things. It was so much easier than doing them.<br/>He leant his head back. The ceiling was disgusting. Must get around to cleaning that. His eyes followed a crack that snaked from the wall to the light. It appeared to be dripping an unmentionable substance. Remus lazily reached for his wand and twisted it clockwise. The crack disappeared. Much better.<br/>He wished that this problem would disappear so easily. Although, that would require the – possibly illegal – disappearance of one very noticeable woman. And the thing was, the real problem was, that he didn’t want her to disappear. <br/>Remus allowed his mind to wander. A pair of eyes graced his vision. Gold-brown, warm and deep, and he let himself fall into them for a second. He caught himself, shook his head. This was another issue. He couldn’t stop himself thinking about her.<br/>This may be an issue. There’s an Order meeting tonight, and Remus likes to be in top form for those. He can’t contribute sparkling insights if he’s distracted by something. Especially not something as easily distractible as Tonks. Last week, he had become particularly focused on her hands. Not in a creepy way, he hoped – more an aesthetic appreciation for the way her slender fingers lay on the table. They were deceptively smooth, though Remus knew how many curses and hexes they had sent, and the fights they had won. <br/>He liked the solidness of her the most. She was there, and she was real. She cast shadows, and she had a reflection, and her shoes left mud on the doorstep. Remus had often before projected dreamlike qualities onto the women he fell in love with, hoping that they would be magically perfect. Not with Tonks. She was funny and beautiful and sometimes seemed perfect, but other times she was grumpy, or had morphed into a particularly bad haircut. Cracks showed through her tough façade, lending her a touch of both gracefulness and humanness. Somehow, this made Remus fall harder.<br/>Perhaps that night would be different. He will suddenly become a different person, grow some balls, and get over her. Remus allowed this hope to carry him through the day.<br/>-</p><p>Tonks sat at her desk at the Ministry and sorted papers. She had never sorted papers in her adult life before, but today felt different. Lighter. She refused her mind the pleasure of finding out why.<br/>She was halfway through filling out a Murtlap license form when her mind began to drift anyway. She balanced the quill on her index finger and watched a bubble form in the inkwell. Shit. She was trying to stop thinking about him.<br/>The insecurity and immaturity of this thought almost made her smile. Suddenly, she was fifteen years old again, writing Colin Joiner’s name on her notebook and drawing hearts on the condensation in the shower. It was unbelievable, that an old professor should make her feel this way. Absentmindedly, she doodled a heart on a slip of memo paper. If only he knew. How embarrassing. It was almost as though she was a student having a crush on a teacher. A surprisingly kind teacher, who laughed quietly at her jokes and winked at her across the table every time Severus said the word ‘rectify’. She swallowed a giggle. Good God, next thing she’d be asking Kingsley for a gossip session.</p><p>Tonks slung her bag over her shoulder and wrapped her jumper around her arm.<br/>‘See you tomorrow, Tiberius,’ she said, waving at her deskmate.<br/>‘Bye, Tonks. Make sure you get onto those mission reports by next week,’ he said, barely looking up from his desk.<br/>‘No worries,’ she said. ‘Bye, Kingsley!’ she yelled across the office.<br/>Kingsley’s disapproving head poked out of his door. ‘I do wish you wouldn’t do that, Tonks.’ He grinned. ‘Have a good weekend.’</p><p>Tonks Apparated home before the meeting. Usually, she would have a shower, change clothes if she could be bothered, and dash out the door. Today, she spent twenty minutes at the mirror, changing hairstyles.<br/>Short blonde? No.<br/>Straight black hair to her waist? Maybe.<br/>Try curly black? She screwed her face up and concentrated. It looked like a birds’ nest. Her transformations got worse when she was nervous.<br/>Maybe short curly black? Short curly red?<br/>Tonks made a frustrated noise in her throat. She put her hands on either side of the sink and stared down at the plughole. What was she doing? Prettying herself up for a man who would probably barely even glance at her?<br/>She needed a break. Liking Remus was exhausting. Liking anyone was exhausting. The constant analysing of responses, the butterflies, the moments when she caught herself at work daydreaming about his soft jumpers and the way his hair turned gold in the light.<br/>Tonks hadn’t imagined this future for herself. When she was younger, her future lover was faceless, but she had known that he would be handsome, respectable, romantic. A good man, with a good and stable job. Her own age, or close to.<br/>But then Lupin had entered her life. Tonks had thrown that mindset out of the window long before, but she couldn’t help still being winded by him. It was completely out of the question for anything to happen between them, for a myriad of reasons – the first being that he would never like her – but she couldn’t stop herself admiring him. He had a warm, intelligent exterior, guarding a tough core. He sat in the Order meetings, calm and rational, and contributed well-thought out plans and ideas. Tonks liked to surreptitiously watch him. He hadn’t noticed yet. Last meeting, she had spent ten minutes sneaking glances at his hands. She was particularly drawn to them. They were large and had a battered look about them, reminding Tonks of a battle worn hero. She imagined all of the things that they had done, the complex magic he must have conjured with them, all of the books they had worked through. She shivered. Must get that urge in check for tonight. How else could she concentrate with him next to her?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 2 – In Which Hearts Are Exploded<br/>Lupin was always in the room early. He sat in his usual spot and went over the last meeting’s notes. <br/>Motion to set extra surveillance on the Golds’ house.<br/>His eyes flickered to Tonks’ seat, opposite and one to the right. It sat there disappointingly, solid boring wood. He looked back at the notes. <br/>Motion to set extra surveillance on the Golds’ house.<br/>He sat up and readjusted his top button. Kreacher walked in, rubbed a spot on the wall pathetically, and walked out. If Tonks were here, she’d crack a joke about now. I think he actually put more grease on that, somehow. Lupin smiled.<br/>Sirius walked in. <br/>‘Blimey, are you smiling at the Order notes? I reckon I just lost all confidence in your coolness.’<br/>Remus chucked a ball of parchment at him and looked back down.<br/>Motion to set extra surveillance on the Golds’ house.<br/>He wondered what haircut Tonks would be sporting today. A couple of weeks ago, she had walked in with a lime green mohawk. He smiled again.<br/>‘Seriously, mate, what’s going on with you?’ asked Sirius curiously. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this jubilant at any notes before.’<br/>‘Nothing. Just – ah – wondering what Molly will cook tonight,’ said Remus. ‘Hopefully not a repeat of that experimental stew two weeks ago.’<br/>‘Oh, I didn’t mind that. It wasn’t as bad as that boiled rat that Mad-Eye tried to make me eat.’<br/>‘They were meatballs,’ said Lupin, raising an eyebrow.<br/>‘Boiled meatballs.’<br/>Remus shook his head and returned to his notes.<br/>Motion to set extra surveillance on the Golds’ house.<br/>It was no use. He stood up and carefully packed away the notes.</p><p>-</p><p>Tonks finally decided on a shoulder-length blue. By the time she had gotten changed into a vaguely wrinkled dress, she was running late. Shit.<br/>She Apparated to the doorstep of Grimmauld Place and forced open the heavy door. As was characteristic, she managed to knock over a bucket of umbrellas in the process. She swore while stuffing them back in. It had been sunny for two weeks, what the hell were they doing here?<br/>Tonks straightened up and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Calm, collected. Charming. Here we go.<br/>She walked into the narrow dining room, already abuzz with noises. A small chorus of her name erupted as she walked in. Mad-Eye clapped her on the back.<br/>‘Good timing. We were just about to start,’ he said gruffly, motioning to the table.<br/>She sat down, deliberately keeping her eyes off Remus. She could feel his presence and see him talking to Arthur, but she refused to look at him and disappoint herself. Instead, she took up an overly enthusiastic conversation with Bill.</p><p>After the meeting was over, they all stayed for dinner. Tonks, who had been desperately trying to avoid looking at Remus, allowed herself a peek. Her stomach twisted as she caught a glimpse of his face. As usual, his eyes were kind and caring, his mouth in a smile. She watched as he explained something to Molly next to him, his hands gesticulating. He looked interested in Molly’s response, listening to her intently. <br/>Tonks took this opportunity to study his face, the soft lines and intelligent eyes. She wondered how it was possible that somebody could look both asymmetrical and handsome at the same time. Suddenly, his eyes darted across the table and looked straight into hers. They both looked taken by surprise, a sheepish smile appearing across Remus’ face. Tonks stuck her tongue out at him and grinned. He smiled wider.<br/>She held his gaze for a couple seconds, before looking down and busying herself with her soup to quiet the fluttering sensation in her heart. This was getting ridiculous. She was a grown woman, for Gods sake. Was she really about to get flirty with a colleague? Bill started up a conversation with her again, and she leapt at the chance of distraction. <br/>Interesting as the subject matter of centaurs was, she couldn’t help herself, and soon her eyes drifted across to Remus again. He was still in conversation with Molly. Was she imagining, or was that a slight blush across his cheeks? <br/>She must be imagining it.</p><p>After dinner, most of the members left. Arthur and Bill were in the kitchen cleaning up, Molly was bustling around the upper levels with a feather duster, and Sirius was following her to be sure she wouldn’t Vanish any family heirlooms.<br/>Unfortunately, Remus had also retired to the library. Tonks was sitting alone at the dining table, looking into the fire, on the pretence of finishing some paperwork for the Ministry. She didn’t want to leave the relative warmth of Grimmauld Place, to go to her empty flat where there was nobody waiting for her. When she imagined living alone, she hadn’t expected it to be so lonely. Particularly recently, she was missing the company of someone.<br/>She yawned as she scratched a date onto one of the lines. It was getting harder for her to keep her eyes open these days. With the full workload of the Ministry and the regular Order meetings, it was becoming harder and harder to sleep. Perhaps she would go and curl up on the comfortable couches in the adjoining room. Just to rest her eyes a little.<br/>There was nobody in the living room. It was cold and dark, missing the fire and energy of people. She perched on the edge of the couch, then immediately stood up. If she was going to sit somewhere, she may as well talk to someone. This was her justification, and she kept it in her head as she walked to the library.<br/>‘Knock knock…’ she said, tapping lightly on the library door. Her heart leapt in her chest as she saw Remus sitting at the armchair by the fireplace. <br/>He looked up and smiled. ‘Evening.’<br/>‘Evening,’ she returned, walking over and plonking down on the sofa. A comfortable silence enveloped them, filled only by the crackling of the fire and the shifting of fabric.<br/>‘How did you find the meeting?’ Lupin said pleasantly, setting aside his book. Tonks tried to quiet the joy she felt.<br/>‘Not too bad. I thought Mad-Eye was quite optimistic this evening. Only mentioned us possibly dying twice,’ she said.<br/>Remus laughed. ‘Has to be a record for him.’<br/>‘I thought that Harry was coming soon. Mad-Eye didn’t mention him,’ said Tonks.<br/>‘We’re trying to get him. The problem is his… ah… family,’ Remus said delicately. ‘Quite hard to distract them and steal him, you see.’<br/>‘Steal?’ <br/>Remus smiled again. ‘Rescue.’<br/>Tonks nodded her head in satisfaction. ‘I love rescues.’ A thought occurred to her. ‘Can I come?’<br/>‘I don’t see why not.’<br/>She clapped her hands in excitement. ‘Are you coming?’<br/>‘I’m afraid not. I’m needed here for some discussion.’<br/>‘Aww.’ Tonks expressed her disappointment, perhaps too loudly – for Remus glanced at her, surprised. A pink hue overtook her cheeks. ‘Should be some fun.’<br/>‘Yes, I suppose so. Sirius is very excited.’<br/>Their conversation continued in this easy way for some time, until Tonks’ yawning began to overtake her speech. The fire and the soft couch began to send her off into a sleepy trance, and she could no longer respond to Remus. She settled in this comfortable state of half-awake, kept up by the soft orange glow.<br/>After a time, Tonks sensed some movement. The fire had all but burnt out, but the dusty library light gave some visibility. Remus had stood up from his chair and was facing the fire with his hands in his pockets. The air smelled of wood smoke and a hint of her perfume.<br/>Remus turned. She could feel his gaze on her, no doubt wondering whether she was asleep and whether to wake her. Tonks was just about to stretch and put him out of the awkward situation when she saw him move and mutter something. She felt the warm weight of a blanket being pulled over her. She had to fight to keep a smile off her face.<br/>Remus knelt down next to the couch, and she closed her eyes completely, not daring to open them. She could feel him move closer and gently place a kiss on her forehead.<br/>Her heart near about exploded. <br/>He stayed kneeling down for another few seconds, before straightening up and leaving the room. Tonks waited until she could hear his footsteps recede upstairs before moving.<br/>She fell asleep smiling as widely as she could.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 3 - In Which Many Thoughts Are Thunk<br/>
Remus spent the next day in regret. What if she hadn’t been asleep? What if she requested to be removed from the Order because of some creepy older man? Why had he done that?<br/>
It was almost automatic. Through the meeting, though he threw regular glances her way, she had been perfectly polite and distanced. She hadn’t looked at him once. Just when he was starting to lose faith, though, he had locked eyes with her during dinner. He couldn’t help but replay that moment in his head, her serious look and sparkling eyes.<br/>
Their conversation in the library was easy, friendly. He found it surprisingly uncomplicated to talk to her, little though they had in common. Tonks was fun, and young. It was hard to keep his eyes off her, try as he might. Remus felt like the stereotype of the lewd professor making eyes at his student. How could she ever reciprocate anything? It was out of the question.<br/>
Lupin could tell that she was tired after a while, by the way that she had sunk down in the sofa so far that her head rested on the armrests at an uncomfortable angle. She stopped talking, and instead a peaceful look stole over her face. He went back to his book and attempted not to stare at her.<br/>
After half an hour (in which he read 1.5 pages), he looked at the time. It was late. Maybe he should wake her up. This is where the madness began. God knows what had possessed him to kiss her.<br/>
Remus now fluctuated between regret and elation. It had felt normal, expected even, at the time. In retrospect, it was foolish. She was probably being nice when she came in to talk to him. Perhaps she felt sorry for him, the lonely, weird professor. He shook his head, trying to get rid of the memory. She was fast asleep. Surely, she would never know. He would simply not mention it.<br/>
The following days were spent in Order business and cleaning the house. Sirius was beginning to get stir crazy, stuck in Grimmauld all day. Remus silently agreed with him, but put on an optimistic face and grimly donned a pair of gloves. The house, though old and stately, was in disrepair. The grand wallpaper was peeling and dirty, plastered with decades of cobwebs.<br/>
‘I’ve made the executive decision to burn down this place and start anew,’ Sirius declared after being attacked by a particularly vicious Doxy.<br/>
‘Use the spray, for God’s sake!’ said Remus, laughing.<br/>
Sirius instead left the room and came back with an old bat, ready to enact revenge on the offending Doxy swarm.<br/>
‘Absolutely not,’ said Remus firmly.<br/>
‘It would be therapeutic,’ Sirius said, advancing on the curtains.<br/>
‘Not for the Doxies.’<br/>
‘Blast the goddamn Doxies!’ With this, he leapt forward, slashing wildly. ‘This is just like my Quidditch days!’<br/>
Remus sat back and watched his friend being attacked by angry blue blurs, intervening only when he could stop laughing.</p><p>The next day, they sat on the floor of Sirius’ old room and sorted through his old things. Most of them had been thrown out anyway when he left home, but they had left his school trunk under the bed.<br/>
‘My old pyjamas!’ Sirius yelled, clutching a pair of faded blue-and-white striped rags. ‘Oh, I thought I had lost these. There’s that burn from when I set them on fire.’<br/>
‘That’s for the rubbish pile.’<br/>
Sirius groaned and chucked them into the ever-growing pile of old ripped clothes.<br/>
‘You know, I had some good memories with those pyjamas.’<br/>
‘I don’t doubt it.’<br/>
He fished around some more in the trunk. ‘Here’s your old Arithmancy book.’<br/>
‘Boring. Rubbish pile,’ Sirius said.<br/>
‘Look, it has all of our signatures in it,’ Remus said, showing him the first page. Scrawled across it was the messy handwriting of four teenage boys.<br/>
‘Maybe we’ll have to keep it then. We can sell it when we get rich and famous after we win this godforsaken war.’<br/>
Remus made a noise of agreement and threw it in the keep pile.</p><p>By the time the next Order meeting rolled around, Remus was a pile of nerves. Though Order members had been dashing in and out of Grimmauld all week, Tonks was nowhere to be seen. He attributed this to her workload at the Ministry, and not the possibility that she was trying to avoid him. Though he had attempted to keep busy through the week, it was impossible to keep her off his mind. She strolled through his thoughts whenever he had a moment to himself. He imagined her sitting at the kitchen table, blue head bent over her Ministry paperwork, or sitting on the kitchen counter teasing Sirius, or lying on the library couch. It was beginning to get ridiculous, how much of his brain she occupied. He felt slightly ashamed about it, as though he had done something indecent. It was rather indecent, the more that he thought about it. He would be so unattractive to her in so many ways – what was the point of imagining a bright and happy future if it was unattainable? He ran through the list in his mind firmly. He was too old, too world-weary, he didn’t have a stable job, he was poor, he was a werewolf. It was out of the question for her to be interested, not to mention to be in a relationship with him. He was being ridiculous.<br/>
These thoughts did little to ease his mind.</p><p>-</p><p>Tonks was uncharacteristically nervous for the next Order meeting. Her thoughts were occupied with the memory of Remus’ lips on her forehead. When she imagined herself back in the library, mere metres away from him, her stomach seemed to decide to leap out of her throat and move to Canada. She leaned back in her chair at work and ran her hands through her hair.<br/>
Pull yourself together. You are a grown woman, she told herself. It was one forehead kiss.<br/>
The reminder of it made her heartbeat faster. She found it insane that somebody like Lupin would even want to be her friend. He was a far-off figure to her, an unattainable intelligence that she was perfectly happy with admiring from afar. A senior member of the Order, an ex-Hogwarts professor, a man who commanded the respect of everyone that he talked to. He was friends with Dumbledore, for God’s sake! What would a man like that want to do with her? She was just the specky new recruit, an unprofessional Auror who had one party trick. Tonks miserably focused on turning on strand of her hair black. At least she had that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 4 – In Which They Ignore Each Other Until They Can’t Anymore</strong>
</p><p>Tonks sat at the long oak table and focused her eyes on a black stain in front of her. She was determined not to look at Lupin if it could be avoided.</p><p>‘…and what Sirius was saying is crucial, we do need to all keep up to date on reports…’ Bill was saying, stood up at the other end of the table.</p><p>Tonks traced the outline of the stain with her eyes, over and over again.</p><p>She found it hard to conceal her emotions at the best of times, so she hoped her disappointment wasn’t obvious. When she had arrived, out of breath with nerves and a tense day of work, Remus had barely even glanced at her. He was perfectly courteous and polite, offering her a cup of tea, but no more. She tried in vain to catch his eye, to see if she could see any trace of interest, but he had looked solidly at his notes while they waited for the meeting to start.</p><p>The stain had a slight green tinge. Tonks absentmindedly wondered what had caused it. Lupin shifted in his chair, and Tonks’ eyes immediately flickered to him. His gaze remained aimed at Bill. She looked back down at the stain, cursing herself mentally. <em>Really, Tonks? Anyone would think that you were desperate. What are you doing looking for signs that aren’t there in a man that isn’t interested? </em></p><p>‘I think we’ll wrap up there. Any concerns?’ said Mad-Eye.</p><p>Remus raised his hand. ‘How many are coming to the Jasperwood stakeout next week?’</p><p>Emmeline Vance launched into a long-winded explanation. Tonks couldn’t help but study Remus’ face, who looked politely interested in Emmeline’s babbling. It was smooth and clear, no sign of any inner conflict. Tonks wished desperately that he would turn his deep brown eyes on her, just once.</p><p>She mentally slapped herself again. <em>Stop thinking about it. It’s just a schoolgirl crush. You’ll get over it if you ignore him.</em></p><p>After the meeting and dinner, she lingered in the kitchen. Remus had again retired to his library, but she wasn’t overly eager to join him and be ignored again. Molly was drying the fine china dishes, embossed with the Black family crest.</p><p>‘Do you need a hand, Molly?’ she asked.</p><p>Arthur, who was washing the dishes, looked alarmed momentarily. ‘Perhaps it’s best if you don’t… erm… handle those. Quite delicate…’ he said hastily.</p><p>Tonks laughed. ‘I can see your thinking. Can I be of any other help in here?’</p><p>Arthur looked awkward. ‘I think we have it covered. You could go and talk to Remus, he’s all lonely in the library, and he seems to enjoy talking to you.’</p><p>Tonks’ heart flipped at the compliment. ‘Right. Sounds good.’ She gave Arthur a winning smile and left the kitchen.</p><p>She couldn’t avoid it now. Not that she wanted to – in fact, she was glad that Arthur gave her the excuse. She only hoped that it wouldn’t be awkward.</p><p>Tonks walked into the library. ‘Hiya!’ she said cheerfully to Remus, who was sat at his armchair again, reading. It took all of her confidence to smile at him and meet his eyes.</p><p>----</p><p>Remus looked up at the sound of her voice. He tensed as she came and sat down in the couch again. This would be difficult. How is he supposed to not look at her when she’s sat five feet away?</p><p>He thought he had done a good job so far. Remus had been particularly careful in welcoming her, not to show any of his feelings. Throughout the meeting, though it had taken a superhuman effort, he had only looked at her twice.</p><p>His heart couldn’t be quieted as easily as his actions. Tonks had a singular effect on it – it raced at the mention of her name, or any look into her face, or any joke or transformation she made. Her clear, bright voice seemed to be the only one he could listen to fully.</p><p>Lupin often prided himself on his ability to maintain himself at a steady level, that he could calmly deal with crises and knew what to do in every situation.</p><p>But this situation was a new one. It came wrapped up in confusing strings that made his head hurt – he wasn’t supposed to like her, she wasn’t supposed to like him. He ran through the list of hurdles at least fifteen times daily. His age, her Ministry position, his condition, her youthfulness. These thoughts tormented him, made him think in circles, act irrationally. They made the steady Lupin become unsteady when she was around. For once in his life, he didn’t know what to do. There were no spells that could save him from this, no words that could be said. Lupin was out of his depth.</p><p>After a silence of a couple minutes, Tonks spoke.</p><p>‘What are you reading?’</p><p>Remus made the mistake of looking directly into her eyes. ‘Erm… I, uh…’ He cleared his throat. ‘The Man Who Laughs. Hugo.’</p><p>‘Hugo laughed?’</p><p>Despite his best efforts, Remus smiled. ‘Victor Hugo. The author.’</p><p>Tonks blushed in the red glow of the fire. ‘Whoops. Of course.’ She slid down in the couch and poked her legs straight out in front of her. Her boots were a bright glittery violet.</p><p>‘I like your boots,’ said Remus.</p><p>Tonks tilted her head to look down at her feet and pointed her toes. ‘Hideous, aren’t they? I found them in some Muggle second-hand shop. Honestly, the things they come up with.’</p><p>Remus lifted his book up. ‘There are some upsides.’</p><p>Tonks made a noise of agreement. ‘Bloody good music, as well.’</p><p>Another silence lapsed. Remus attempted to read some more.</p><p>‘Have you got any?’ asked Tonks.</p><p>He looked at her quizzically. ‘Any what?’</p><p>‘Music.’</p><p>‘There’s a lovely old record player in the corner. Sirius’, I think. Vintage. The sound is incredible.’</p><p>Tonks stood up off the couch and walked to the corner. Remus watched the way her boots glinted in the fire light.</p><p>After some rustlings, Remus heard the scratch of the needle being taken out of its cup. A deep, rich sound filled the library as LaSalle began to croon into the bookshelves.</p><p>
  <em>Somebody tell me, what has this man got? </em>
</p><p>Remus smiled. ‘I didn’t pin you for an R&amp;B fan.’</p><p>‘It’s good to dance to,’ said Tonks.</p><p>
  <em>He makes me feel what I don’t want to feel.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>In spite of himself, Lupin found his head drifting in time to the music. She was right. It was good to dance to. Without thinking, he replaced the bookmark in his book and laid Hugo to rest on the armchair.</p><p>----</p><p>
  <em>And somebody tell me, what has this man got? </em>
</p><p>Tonks was standing next to the record player, her head held back dreamily, letting the chords wash over her.</p><p>
  <em>He makes me give, what I don’t want to give. </em>
</p><p>She opened her eyes, and her heart almost stopped to see Remus walking slowly over.</p><p>‘I didn’t pin you for a dancer,’ she said teasingly.</p><p>He smiled. ‘I’m not. I’m a listener. It sounds better when you’re closer to the player.’ For what seemed like the first time all night, his dark eyes made contact with hers. Was it just wishful thinking, or could she sense something behind them? It gave her some confidence.</p><p>Tonks snorted. ‘Nobody doesn’t dance to LaSalle. Come on.’</p><p>She held her left hand out. He looked at it. ‘Tonks, I really can’t dance.’</p><p>Tonks’ name in his mouth sounded right. It sounded like it should sound.</p><p>‘Everyone can dance,’ she said.</p><p>Hesitatingly, he took her hand. Tonks pulled him closer and put her hand on his upper arm. She linked her right hand with his left and held them out from their bodies. An old-fashioned waltz.</p><p>
  <em>I'm slowly losin' my ground,</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Slowly sinkin' down. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Trapped by this thing they call love. </em>
</p><p>She led the way, rocking forward and back. They moved slowly, a beat or two behind. The heat of his body so close to hers made Tonks shiver. If Lupin couldn’t feel the electricity between them, he was blind.</p><p>He looked uncomfortable at first, but they soon settled into a rhythm. Their faces were close, hers a few inches beneath his. Remus looked different close up. Across the Order table, he looked stressed, his brow furrowed, and she often saw dark circles under his worried eyes. Now, Tonks could see the way his mouth turned up at the corners slightly, the crinkles around his eyes from decades of smiles. He looked happier.</p><p>Their bodies moved as one.</p><p>
  <em> I'm slowly losin' my ground,</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Slowly sinkin' down, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Trapped by this thing they call love. </em>
</p><p>She laughed as he spun her out and back in. He was smiling now, no awkwardness or uncomfortable looks. Their hands found each other again easily, and Tonks’ mind was blown at how well they locked together. It felt like the most natural thing in the world to hold his hand, and to have him hold hers. She wondered how she could have gone so many years without it.</p><p>Remus was wondering the same thing. He gazed down at her bright face. Tonks looked different close up. When she was cracking jokes, everyone in the room got to enjoy her vivid smile and shining eyes. She always looked switched on, cheeks brilliant and body alert. Her hands twitched when they weren’t touching her wand. Now, Tonks looked calmer, more relaxed. She wasn’t performing for others, no wild transformations. She looked happier.</p><p>They were further away from the record player by now. They danced around dusty armchairs and tables piled with books. Moving their bodies together felt like breathing.</p><p>
  <em>Hooked on you, baby,</em>
</p><p>
  <em> I just can't help myself.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> I can never be happy, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And love no one else.</em>
</p><p>The song was ending. The trumpets were fading. Remus felt a pang of disappointment. He let go of her hands and stepped back, suddenly self-conscious. Tonks smiled brilliantly.</p><p>‘See? Everyone can dance.’ She looked breathless, her eyes shining.</p><p>‘The benefits of a good teacher,’ said Remus, meeting her eyes. Tonks noticed how he looked ten years younger, the dance messing up his hair and flushing his cheeks. They stayed in their positions for a couple seconds, gazing at each other, each feeling what the other was feeling but neither willing to do anything.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Note: the song that Tonks plays is 'Trapped By A Thing Called Love' by Denise LaSalle :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 5 – In Which They Both Reminisce</strong>
</p><p>Remus awoke the next morning with creaking joints and a blinding headache. He winced as he sat up. The days before the full moon came with their own aura, a permanent feeling in the back of his head and a shifting in his bones. Today, they were also accompanied by racing thoughts. <em>Why did he let himself get that close to Tonks? What was he thinking? </em>His current symptoms reminded him constantly of the iron strong barrier between them.</p><p>Lupin got dressed slowly and headed downstairs to the kitchen. Sirius was already in there, making a cup of coffee.</p><p>‘Morning, Casanova,’ he grinned at Remus.</p><p>‘Huh?’ said Remus.</p><p>Sirius merely shook his head and sat down at the kitchen table sipping his coffee. He pulled a face.</p><p>‘Not good?’ asked Remus.</p><p>‘Close to water.’ Sirius took one more sip, grimaced, and set the cup on the table. ‘So, when were you going to tell me about you and Tonks?’ he said, leaning forward on his elbows with an eager look on his face.</p><p>‘What?’ spluttered Remus.</p><p>‘Blimey, take it easy,’ Sirius said. ‘I only noticed her last night. She could barely keep her eyes off you.’</p><p>Remus didn’t allow himself to feel the small firework that exploded in his heart. ‘She’s friendly, is all.’</p><p>Sirius snorted. ‘She was practically undressing you with her eyes.’</p><p>‘Charming, Sirius.’</p><p>Sirius held his arms out, palms up. ‘Just saying it how I see it, chief. Any, erm… any requited feelings?’</p><p>‘Wouldn’t that be a little creepy on my part?’</p><p>‘Why should it be? Nothing wrong with liking someone, mate. You are allowed to be human,’ said Sirius.</p><p>‘Except for that little time once a month,’ snorted Remus.</p><p>‘Ah, yes,’ said Sirius delicately. ‘Speaking of, that’s tomorrow, yeah?’</p><p>‘Yes. The moon’s giving me a hell of a headache today.’</p><p>Sirius hummed into his mug. ‘Good old faithful. You’d think she’d want to take a break for a couple months.’ There was a beat of silence, and then, ‘Back to your love life – been having nice chats with Tonks, have you? Arthur mentioned you two disappeared last night.’</p><p>Remus walked over to the cupboards and began making a cup of tea. Without turning around, he said, ‘We, erm… had a little dance in the library. Nice record player you have.’</p><p>Sirius almost inhaled the sip of coffee in his haste to speak. ‘You what?’</p><p>Lupin turned around and leaned against the cabinets. He tried to keep his voice light. ‘You know those old R&amp;B records you bought in high school?’</p><p>‘Never mind the bloody music, Lupin – you danced with her? Danced? Like –’ Sirius held his arms up in a waltz stance and hummed a tune, his face disbelieving.</p><p>Remus smiled. ‘Sure.’</p><p>Sirius’ face remained gobsmacked. Remus turned back around and steeped his teabag.</p><p>‘Well now I’ve heard it all. You, proud owner of approximately fourteen left feet, dancing?’ Sirius roared with laughter; his thin face alive.</p><p>‘It wasn’t a big deal,’ said Remus uncomfortably.</p><p>Sirius stopped laughing. ‘What, you didn’t like it? Oh – was Tonks bad at dancing? I can imagine that, she trips over every time she walks in a room.’</p><p>‘No, no – she was surprisingly good, actually. I just – why would she do that?’ said Remus.</p><p>‘Do what?’</p><p>‘Dance with me.’</p><p>Sirius laughed again. ‘Don’t take this the wrong way, mate – you’re the smartest person I know, but you can be mind-blowingly thick sometimes.’</p><p>‘Why?’</p><p>Sirius rolled his eyes. ‘She likes you. From the sounds of it, you like her. I predict a bright and happy future, if you’re not a prat about it.’</p><p>Remus took a sip of his tea. ‘Aren’t I a bit – well, – a bit old for her?’</p><p>Sirius did some quick maths. ‘Thirteen years… not insanely weird.’</p><p>Remus sighed. ‘Thanks for the vote of confidence, Sirius.’ He took the rest of his tea to be finished in the library, where he could think in silence.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Tonks’ mind was suitably distracted again at work the next day. They were supposed to be investigating suspicious activity at a bar in London, but she spent most of her time replaying the moments in the library of the night before.</p><p>‘Oi, watch the barman. D’ya reckon he’s noticed something about us?’ Peterson, Tonks’ mission partner, murmured in her ear.</p><p>She surreptitiously looked at the barman over the rim of her flagon. He was innocently wiping down glasses. She shook her head. ‘Concentrate on the corner table,’ she said, eyeing the figures dressed in black cloaks who were whispering frantically.</p><p><em>Hypocrite</em>, the voice in her head said. She shook it off indignantly. She <em>was</em> concentrated on the mission. She could multitask.</p><p>Tonks traced the rim of her glass. She noticed the way the tendons in her hands moved, imagining it clasped with Remus’ own hand. Her stomach clenched. Drat. This was going to be a bigger problem than she thought.</p><p>After work, after the mindless paperwork and meetings, Tonks got home to her small flat. She lived on the bottom floor of an old house in the outskirts of Southall, beneath an old lady who owned about sixteen yappy dogs and often turned a disapproving eye on Tonks’ constantly changing hair. Today was no exception.</p><p>‘Good evening,’ she called from the second-floor window. Tonks gave her a closed-mouth smile and hurried inside.</p><p>Her flat was what most people would describe as ‘cramped’ and ‘a mess’. She crammed as much life into the place as possible, so that the walls of her bedroom were plastered with Weird Sisters posters and photos of her friends. Though shabby, the kitchen was often filled with all manner of interesting smells and experiments. It wasn’t much, but it was hers.</p><p>Tonks dropped her keys on the kitchen table and flicked through her music collection. Soon, the air was filled with an upbeat song that she absentmindedly danced to as she shrugged off her coat. She wondered what Remus would think of her flat. It was messy and small, but it was her. She held her hands up in the partnered dance position again and closed her eyes. If she imagined hard enough, she almost believed that he was there again, swaying in time with the music.</p><p>His hands were linked with hers… she was there in the library again – until she tripped over a book, swore, and collapsed into an armchair. Back to her flat, no Remus to laugh with her, she felt strangely lonely.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 6 – In Which Hijinks Are Gotten Up To</p><p>On Monday night, Tonks was assigned to a surveillance mission courtesy of the Order. She barely had time to hurry home after work and heat up a can of soup before she was out the door again.</p><p>Tonks Disapparated to the location, a large mansion just outside Salisbury. The long gravel drive was illuminated by lamps on either side, casting pools of light which she avoided as she walked quietly on the grass. She reached the tall iron gates and muttered a quick charm, passing through them as a coin through water. The mansion was before her, a massive white building adorned with leaf details and thick columns framing the door. Lights were on in the upper story, and a shadowy figure moved across one as she crept forward, keeping to the outskirts of the front garden.</p><p>Her eyes scanned the darkened lawn and alighted on a slightly rustling bush to the right. Tonks hurried over and ducked behind the leafy cover, with a cheery ‘Wotcher!’</p><p>‘Good evening, Tonks,’ said a soft voice. Tonks’ heart twisted, and she turned from where she had been trying to get comfortable – to see the pale face of Remus. He grinned, and she couldn’t stop herself from smiling back.</p><p>‘I thought you were…-‘ she trailed off, unsure whether it would be rude to mention the recent moon. Now that her eyes were more adjusted to the low light, she could see the deep lines etched in his face and trace with her eyes the long, raised scar that snaked from his jaw to his neck. She swallowed. Despite the violent implications, she was more curious than scared. She had spent hours in Auror trainings learning about the danger of werewolves, copying notes on the signs of one, answering exam questions on how to fight one off. Whenever she pictured one, her mind immediately went to a tall, hulking man with black eyes, prowling around at night in alleys. Not the polite man sitting next to her on the dirt as though it were a squashy cushion.</p><p>‘It wasn’t so bad,’ Lupin said, positioning his collar carefully so that it covered up most of the scar. ‘I wanted to be of use.’</p><p>They sat in silence, peering out of the bush at the dark house. There didn’t seem to be any indication of suspicious activity. All was still and quiet. A breeze rustled over the lawn, touching the tips of the grass and swaying the trees gently. Tonks stared at house, her eyes darting to every slight curtain twitch. The great marble columns of the house reminded her of the ones at Gringotts, gleaming chrome in the moonlight. She had a sudden vivid mental image of tackling a goblin to the ground.</p><p>The first half-hour of the task was filled up in this way, a quiet resting over the pair. Tonks could sense that Remus was tired, and she wasn’t particularly eager to have a rousing conversation either. After a while of nothingness, she relaxed a little, shifting her position in the dirt. She stole a quick glance at Lupin. Despite the exhaustion, he was regarding the house intently, wand resting between his fingers. She nudged him. ‘I reckon this is a bust,’ she whispered.</p><p>He sighed. ‘Yes, we do seem to be having rather a few of those. A quiet night is better than the alternative, I suppose.’ He too sat back.</p><p>Tonks was bored. She longed for a conversation, particularly with such a satisfactory partner as Lupin. She racked her brains for a topic and settled on one that she was sure held shared memories.</p><p>‘What was teaching at Hogwarts like?’</p><p>Remus looked a little puzzled at this abrupt question, but smiled, his joy filling his face and sweeping off the tiredness. ‘It was lovely. I hadn’t been back since school. Not much had changed.’</p><p>‘Was it weird seeing the teachers’ rooms?’</p><p>Remus laughed. ‘To be honest, no. James and Sirius spent a lot of time in there, and so consequently did I. It <em>was</em> strange to hear other teachers address me as “Professor” – I was used to hearing “Remus” – especially from Dumbledore’s mouth.’</p><p>‘Were the students nice? I’ve heard a lot about those Weasley twins.’</p><p>‘Yes, they were… a unique challenge. Creative, though.’ His eye twinkled. Tonks wasn’t used to seeing this side of him. ‘I imagine you gave your poor teachers some headaches in your time, though.’</p><p>‘May have done.’ Tonks winked. ‘It’s terribly handy, being able to change myself. Shall we just say, that at some points, any newcomer could have sworn they saw two Dumbledores wandering around the castle.’</p><p>Remus laughed again, and Tonks had a split-second to admire the look of happiness that crossed his face. ‘I’ll admit I don’t know the full extent of Metamorphmagi magic. Can you really make yourself look like Dumbledore?’</p><p>Tonks concentrated hard, and within a few seconds Remus was looking at a remarkably realistic Dumbledore sprawled on the ground, complete with beard and half-moon spectacles.</p><p>‘That’s quite impressive,’ he said, grinning.</p><p>Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, and said in Tonks’ voice, ‘I damn well hope so, it takes a bit of effort.’ He melted back into Tonks, who smiled radiantly. ‘Eh?’</p><p>‘Marvellous job. Absolutely brilliant,’ Remus said.</p><p>‘Hold on… this one always screws with people,’ Tonks said, screwing up her face. Her hair shortened and turned brown, her nose lengthened, and scars appeared in her cheeks. Remus jumped as he appeared beside himself, still wearing Tonks’ smile.</p><p>‘That’s quite a…’ Remus trailed off, staring at himself.</p><p>Other Remus laughed and said, still in Tonks’ voice, ‘It takes a bit of getting used to. Hey, here’s what you look like right now.’ She opened her eyes wide and clapped her hands to her cheeks in an expression of mock surprise.</p><p>Remus cleared his throat. Other Remus did the same, and then waggled his eyebrows. Remus stuck his tongue out, and it was like looking in a mirror.</p><p>Tonks changed back into herself and held her arms out. ‘Ta da!’</p><p>Remus clapped as quietly as he could. ‘Truly terrifying. I commend you.’</p><p>‘Thank you, thank you. Any requests?’ Tonks returned with twin twinkle in her eye.</p><p>‘Hmmm… Professor McGonagall?’</p><p>Within a few seconds, McGonagall was sitting haughtily on the ground beside him, peering through her spectacles. ‘Professor Lupin, how do you do?’ Tonks cried in a clipped tone. Remus dissolved into giggles, as did the Professor.</p><p>The rest of the shift was spent in a similar unproductive manner.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Afterwards, Remus returned to Grimmauld Place alone. He paused on the doorstep and looked down the shadowy street, empty and lit by streetlamps. A solitary cat crossed the road, and Remus was reminded of McGonagall and his and Tonks’ antics. He chuckled. Though he could feel the deep tiredness in his bones still, laughter seemed to be a natural antidote.</p><p>Lupin collapsed into his chair in the library. He couldn’t help but imagine Tonks opposite him, slumped on the couch and regarding him with her curiously bright eyes. A warm, fuzzy feeling enveloped him.</p><p><em>This is bad, </em>he groaned.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 7 – In Which Legs Are Hurt (Not Feelings)</strong>
</p><p>Perhaps it was her natural clumsiness. Perhaps it was – as she told Mad-Eye – the sudden bang of the neighbour’s door. Perhaps it was the distraction of Remus.</p><p>Either way she spun it, Tonks was – well, to put it politely – she was buggered. Or her leg was, at least. She peeked down at it sticking out of the hospital bed sheets, then swallowed and looked away. Was it just her imagination, or was it looking distinctly more mangled than the last time she had looked?</p><p>It was a ridiculous mission anyway. That’s what she told herself at least. Kingsley was the one to blame. He had sent her out on what was obviously a wild goose chase, she suspected just to get her out of the office so that he could finish his coffee in peace. What kind of self-respecting English wizard would own a Leg-Locker Doormat anyway? Either way, the fact of the matter was this – she had been distracted (by whatever it was) and had tripped into the path of that wizard’s Dobermann. The nurse at Mungo’s had taken one look, clicked her tongue and set her up with a particularly painful healing potion. Tonks winced as a fresh wave of tingly pain washed over her leg. <em>Wasn’t Mungo’s supposed to make you feel better?</em></p><p>She lay back down miserably in her bed. At least she was out of the office for an afternoon. Recently, the paperwork and her boxy cubicle were beginning to stifle Tonks. It was a shame, really, that someone as willing to be an Auror as her was relegated to deskwork most of the time. She cursed Kingsley under her breath. It was his fault that she was first stuck at a desk most of the time, and now in a hospital bed after one dog attack. The other Aurors would think she had gone soft.</p><p>The pain returned, Tonks’ back seizing up as it travelled up her spine. It was times like this that she wouldn’t have minded a cup of tea and a friend to talk to, to take her mind off things. One friend in particular, actually.</p><p>Tonks frowned and shook her head, as if trying to remove Remus from her thoughts. It was him that had caused her to lose focus on the job earlier. The sight of a cat reminded her of McGonagall, in turn reminding her of the mission three weeks ago at the white house. She smiled in spite of herself, remembering the fits of laughter Remus entered when she transformed into Arthur Weasley and imitated his excitement over Remus’ wristwatch. For a minute, Tonks forgot about the pain in her leg.</p><p>Two hours later, when visiting time was almost over for the day, Tonks was lying in her hospital bed when a knock came at the ward door. In walked Remus, looking unusually harried and nervous and scanning the row of beds for Tonks. She leant forward.</p><p>‘Wotcher, Remus,’ Tonks half-yelled. Remus jumped a little but broke into a smile which lit up his face. He hurried over to her bed.</p><p>‘Tonks, how are you? Kingsley told me … how’s the leg?’ he asked, looking earnestly at Tonks’ face.</p><p>‘They think they might have to remove it, I’m afraid,’ Tonks said, trying to suppress a smile. ‘Horribly butchered – I think that dog might actually have been magically enhanced.’</p><p>Remus looked horrified for a second, then relaxed as he caught the mischievous glint in Tonks’ eye. ‘Could be worse, I suppose. What’s one leg lopped off to a two-legged witch?’ he said, returning the glint.</p><p>Tonks laughed. ‘Exactly what I said. Three out of four limbs, not bad odds.’ She giggled again, feeling warmth flooding through her stressed-out body.</p><p>Remus set his bag down on the chair next to the bed. ‘Brought some potions … various pain-relievers.’ He took out a purple bottle and two green vials. ‘Ah, here we go,’ he said, drawing out a blue glass jar, ‘this one is particularly good after the full moon.’</p><p>‘Oh, thanks!’ Tonks said brightly, trying to skate over the reference to the moon. ‘I think I might be pushing it a bit if I take one more potion right now, but I will be using those later.’</p><p>Remus smiled. ‘Yes, the nurse warned me you might be a bit loopy.’</p><p>Tonks snorted. ‘I feel fine.’ Just as she said this, though, her leg pain made itself known with renewed strength. She winced and leant back against her pillow, closing her eyes. Once she opened them again, she could see Remus looking at her anxiously, worry in his eyes – which flicked away as soon as he saw her looking. Her stomach twisted, but not due to any medications.</p><hr/><p> </p><p>Remus stayed until visiting hours were over, talking to her until her eyes grew heavy with the potions and pain. He left with quiet reassurances that he would be back tomorrow to help her get home. In her drowsy state, Tonks only slightly registered the warm feeling in her heart once she heard him say this.</p><hr/><p>True to his word, Remus was back early the next morning. Tonks had barely awoken, to see her leg mostly back to normal, before the nurse was signing the dischargement papers. She sat on her bed while the nurse organised take-home potions and traced the jagged scar below her knee. <em>Cool. This means I’m a real Auror now</em>, she thought. Remus, who had arrived at 8 on the dot, sat next to her.</p><p>‘Nice scar, kid,’ he said.</p><p>Tonks smiled and turned to look at his face. ‘I could say the same to you.’</p><p>Remus laughed and good-naturedly covered his scars with his hands. ‘Yours are more exciting. You got them while on an Auror mission. In a battle.’</p><p>‘With a dog,’ Tonks pointed out. ‘Technically, you got yours in a battle with a dog, too.’ Remus’ cheeks turned red. ‘Hey, does that mean we’re scar buddies now?’</p><p>Remus smiled again. ‘I suppose so. The least cool club to be in.’</p><p>‘Hey!’ Tonks protested. ‘I happen to think that dog scars are very cool. Just ask Sirius.’</p><p>Remus rolled his eyes. ‘I don’t think Sirius scratching himself accidentally counts as a dog scar.’</p><p>‘All done here. You can go,’ said the nurse abruptly.</p><p>Remus stood up and looked at Tonks expectantly. ‘You can walk, right?’ he asked.</p><p>Tonks scoffed. ‘It’s a dog bite, not an Unforgivable Curse.’ She stood up and took a step. Unfortunately for her, the bottom half of her body did not seem to recognise her decision to take said step, and she half-fell ungraciously back onto the bed. ‘Ah. This may be harder than I thought.’</p><p>Remus smiled, then conjured a wheelchair. ‘Your carriage awaits, Your Majesty.’</p><p>‘Cheers.’ Tonks heaved herself into the wheelchair. ‘Onwards and upwards, noble steed.’</p><p>Remus hummed a fanfare. ‘Thank you,’ he nodded at the nurse, before pushing Tonks out of the room and down through the hospital. They exited the harsh white walls of St Mungo’s onto the gleaming cobblestone of Diagon Alley. It was a cold, crisp autumn morning, their breaths misty in the air. Stray shoppers passed, the streets just beginning to bustle with the noise and warmth of wizards. The clouds were scattered high across their heads against a pale blue sky. Tonks breathed in the fresh air and felt her lungs expand.</p><p>‘Home?’ Remus asked. ‘If you can Apparate, that is.’</p><p>Tonks stood up indignantly, albeit wobbly. ‘Of course.’ She looked down, suddenly sheepish. ‘You can, ah … you can come, if you like. If you don’t have anything else to do, that is.’</p><p>Remus nodded, not seeming to notice Tonks’ sudden awkwardness. ‘See you there.’</p><p>Tonks nodded back, then turned on the spot into the familiar suffocating darkness. The uncomfortable feeling of being squeezed through a tube was amplified by the uncomfortableness in her leg. Once she appeared at the familiar steps of her flat, the wind was knocked out of her, and she sat down ungainly on the stone half-wall in front of the building. Remus, who appeared beside her a moment later, hurried over.</p><p>‘Are you okay?’ he asked, kneeling down beside her. ‘Can you walk?’</p><p>Tonks shook her head, feeling too dizzy to even stay upright for too long. She was in danger of falling backwards, when she felt Remus’ surprisingly strong arms around her, carrying her up the stairs.</p><p>‘Alohomora,’ Remus murmured beneath his breath. Tonks heard the lock click and felt herself being carried inside and set down gently on the living room couch. Remus immediately busied himself in the kitchen making a cup of tea, while Tonks tried to catch her breath.</p><p>‘Those potions really do a number on you,’ she said, half-laughing.</p><p>‘Probably the fact that you regrew half your leg in one night,’ Remus called over his shoulder. Tonks watched as he found two mugs, a shabby box of teabags and a carton of milk in her cabinets. Though she felt half-dead, the sight of him in her kitchen gave her a warm feeling inside. He looked like he belonged there. Like he had always been there.</p><p>Remus walked over, balancing both cups of tea. He set his on the coffee table and sat down next to her, giving her the other mug.</p><p>‘How are we feeling now?’ he asked.</p><p>‘Better,’ she mumbled into her tea. ‘Much better. Thanks for the tea. And the potions.’</p><p>‘Mmm. It was nothing.’ Remus shifted his feet. ‘Someone needed to do it.’</p><p>‘Well, I’m glad it was you,’ Tonks said, surprised at her own bravery. Something about those goddamn potions made her guards fall. Although, maybe it was also something about that goddamn man. She looked up at Remus blearily. The morning sun fell behind his head, adding a halo effect as it outlined his stray brown hairs. ‘You look very pretty.’</p><p>Remus’ cheeks turned reddish. ‘You’re drunk on potions.’</p><p>‘No, I’m not,’ said Tonks.</p><p>There was a silence. Tonks, her own cheeks red, sipped her tea to avoid looking at Remus. She traced her finger around the rim of the mug, staring at the wisps of steam rising in patterns from her tea. The clock on her wall ticked. Outside, a bird began singing its lonely morning hymn.</p><p>‘Tonks,’ Remus began.</p><p>Tonks sat up and set her mug of tea on the table. ‘I meant it. You look very pretty.’ She looked into his face earnestly.</p><p>Remus met her eyeline. It occurred to Tonks that it was one of the first times that day that he had done so. It also occurred to Tonks that his eyes were similarly very pretty, and that they held some deep emotion that reached all the way inside Tonks and took a hold of her heart.</p><p>Time seemed to stand still. Remus’ eyes roved over Tonks’ face, as if searching for some hidden trick or joke, as if he was expecting her any second to yell <em>Gotcha! </em>and sock him in the arm for not guessing her prank.</p><p>‘You look very pretty as well,’ Remus breathed, barely allowing himself to say the words. Tonks’ mouth twitched. Remus made a sudden jerky movement towards her, just as Tonks leaned in.</p><p>Their mouths met. Tonks’ brain shut off, redirecting all focus towards her feelings. The kiss was soft and warm at first, lips touching lips for the first clumsy time. Tonks breathed in sharply, then leaned in further. Remus moved his hand to hold behind her jaw and ear, grazing her cheek. Tonks gripped his hand with her own. For a minute, nothing existed in the world.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 8 – In Which They Keep It Professional (Not)</strong>
</p><p>Remus’ ears were buzzing. He was vaguely aware of a pain in the right side of his chest where his coat was bunched up and pressing into his ribs.</p><p>He paid no attention to either of these. Instead, he chose to focus on the soft lips against his, Tonks leaning into him, his hand cupping her neck. He focused on the way that Tonks smiled into the kiss, feeling her lips curve against his and the bubbly feeling this gave him, as though he had just downed a glass of champagne. Not that Remus had ever had champagne in his life, but if he were to – well, he would guess that it felt like this.</p><p>Tonks broke the kiss and leaned back, breathing heavily and raking her hands through her hair. She was still holding the smile on her face, her eyes bright and lively. Remus thought that she had never looked so lovely as now.</p><p>‘Order meetings will be a little strange from now on, I suppose,’ Tonks laughed, breaking the silence.</p><p>‘Mmm,’ said Lupin, intelligently. He gave a hoarse chuckle. ‘I haven’t been able to concentrate in them recently anyway.’</p><p>Tonks’ smile got, if possible, even wider. Remus took a second to admire how it lit up her features, her messy hair framing her face. Tonks sank back into her seat, still beaming.</p><p>‘Speaking of the Order, I did get some instructions from Kingsley to pass onto you before I left yesterday …’ Remus began, clearing his throat.</p><p>‘Thirty seconds after a kiss and Professor Lupin is already back to work,’ Tonks said, rolling her eyes.</p><p>Remus pretended to check his watch. ‘Forty-six seconds, as a matter of fact. More than enough time to refocus – now back onto the job, Auror Tonks,’ he said, a twinkle in his eye.</p><p>‘Come here, you – ‘ Tonks said, leaning back over to him and conveniently forgetting all about the pain in her leg.</p><hr/><p>‘Evening, Lupin,’ came a gruff voice towards Remus. He looked up to see Mad-Eye approaching him where he sat at the dining table at Grimmauld Place.</p><p>‘Good evening, Alastor. Early today, aren’t we?’ he asked, checking his watch.</p><p>Mad-Eye grunted. ‘Can never be too early.’ He stomped his cane on the stone floor.</p><p>Slowly, the other members started to arrive. Molly and Arthur were the first, Molly instantly bustling into the kitchen to get started on the stew. Bill and Charlie arrived soon after, the latter engaging Remus in a conversation immediately about a new technique for fighting dragons that he had discovered. Remus only half-listened to his enthusiastic story (complete with hand gestures and a play-by-play of his experiments), the other ear trained for the front door.</p><p>He heard it open, and his heart leapt into his throat. A light tread down the hallway followed, until Emmeline Vance’s head poked into the room. Remus, slightly disappointed, scolded himself internally. <em>Keep it professional, Lupin.</em></p><p>Fifteen minutes passed, during which Remus, despite his best efforts, could barely keep in his seat. His leg was jittering under the table, his hands drumming a steady beat on the wooden chair. Finally, he excused himself from the room and slipped into the hallway to gain composure.</p><p><em>She’s a girl, not a Death Eater. Get it together, </em>he told himself, leaning against the cool wood of the shadowy doorway into the living room. He breathed slowly and calmly, trying to quiet his racing heart.</p><p>The lock on the door clicked down the hall. Remus heard a couple footsteps, then the clang of an umbrella stand being knocked over and muffled curses. He smiled involuntarily, walking down the dark hall.</p><p>‘Tonks,’ he said quietly, making out her indistinct figure in the moonlight spilling in from the door.</p><p>She swore. ‘Christ, you scared the living daylights out of me! <em>Lumos</em>,’ she added. The tip of her wand, held in her outstretched hand, produced a glow. Remus was able to see her face, made pale by the wandlight, which broke into a beam when she saw him. ‘I didn’t recognise your voice. Thought you were Mad-Eye, trying to kidnap me to teach me a lesson.’</p><p>Remus chuckled. ‘He’s in the kitchen.’</p><p>‘Right. Lead the way, Lupin.’</p><p>Remus turned and made his way down the hallway. He turned left just before the dining room, leading Tonks into the dark living room instead.</p><p>‘I know you’ve been living here for a while longer than me, but I don’t actually think this is the kitchen,’ Tonks said, raising an eyebrow.</p><p>‘Very astute observation,’ Remus murmured, holding his hand out. She took it shyly, drawing him closer to her. In the low light, Remus could barely make out her face. He took a step, so that their faces were mere inches apart.</p><p>‘We should probably get to the meeting,’ Tonks muttered, making no inclination to move. Her eyes roved over what she could see of Remus’ face.</p><p>‘Mmmm,’ Remus agreed. He tilted her chin up to meet his lips. The kiss was soft and hesitant at first, Remus gently twisting his hands around her jaw. Tonks made a noise of contentment against his mouth and leaned in further. Her hands found his other hand in the dark and held on tightly. Tonks kissed more insistently, her lips tingling with a fiery determination. Remus responded in kind, his hand moving down from her neck to rest on her waist. The world seemed to fall away – there was just them, in this room.</p><p>A clatter from the kitchen awoke them from their moment. Remus could hear the muffled chatter of voices, accompanied by the banging of pots. He mentally cursed the fact that other people existed.</p><p>‘I say we quit the Order here and now,’ said Tonks, breaking the kiss. ‘I’m happy doing this forever.’</p><p>Remus laughed breathlessly, straightening up. His lips were still prickling from the thrill. ‘I second that motion,’ he said, raising their interlaced hands and kissing Tonks’ knuckles.</p><p>She smiled. ‘I’m still in shock that I’m allowed to kiss you.’</p><p>‘The feeling is mutual,’ said Remus, leaning in again.</p><hr/><p>Sixty-seven fantastic seconds later, Remus and Tonks entered the dining room again. A chorus of welcomes to Tonks arose as she walked in.</p><p>‘Wotcher, everyone! Sorry I’m late, there was a – bit of a holdup,’ Tonks said, scurrying to her seat.</p><p>‘Tripped over your own feet twenty times, did you?’ Charlie laughed. Tonks smiled back.</p><p>‘Something like that.’</p><p>‘Took your time,’ Mad-Eye growled, his magic eye swivelling to regard Tonks. Beaming at him, she faltered slightly when she realised that he could see through walls. For example, the walls between the dining room and the living room. Was it her imagination, or did Mad-Eye’s eyes linger on her a bit longer than usual?</p><p>Straightening herself up, she indicated for Mad-Eye to begin.</p><p>‘Thank you, Auror Tonks. All right, everyone, down to business. What I was saying last week…’ Mad-Eye began his speech.</p><p>It didn’t take long for Tonks’ mind to become otherwise occupied – around twenty seconds, to be exact. Her eyes flicked over to Remus’ chair – as she had done hundreds of times in previous meetings. This time, however, Remus was also looking at her. Their eyes met, and Remus held her eyeline for a tad longer than necessary. Tonks’ cheeks turned red, and she looked down at her lap.</p><p>
  <em>Pull yourself together. It’s one kiss. What are you, suddenly sixteen again?</em>
</p><p>Try as she might, Tonks could barely stop herself from staring at Remus for most of the meeting. Even Mad-Eye’s enthusiastic descriptions of their potential deaths couldn’t draw her eyes away from Remus. He sat placidly enough, wearing an expression which anyone else might have regarded as neutral. Tonks, however, recognised the glint in his eye, the slight arch of his eyebrow. She also noticed the slight disarray of his collar, and the red tinge to his cheeks.</p><p>Tonks snapped her eyes back to Mad-Eye and willed herself to listen.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 9 – In Which Feelings Are Hurt (Not Legs)</strong>
</p><p>After the meeting – the majority of which was spent by Tonks in an unproductive manner – Remus disappeared as usual to the library. Tonks stayed in the kitchen for half an hour to help clean up, before making an excuse and slipping out of the room. As she walked down the dark corridor, she replayed in her mind the events of before the meeting. She smiled as she remembered the way that Remus had looked at her right before they kissed, the soft touch of his hand on her jaw, the stillness of the living room. Her stomach twisted as she imagined them in the same room alone together again, filling her with a floaty feeling that she let carry her to the library.</p><p>Tonks tapped on the door softly. She peeked around the wood to see the fire roaring as usual, Lupin sitting on the armchair. Rather than reading, he was staring into the fire, brow slightly creased. Her heart filled with something warm. She moved into the room slowly and closed the door behind her.</p><p>Remus looked up to the sound of the door clicking shut. His worried expression changed to one of happiness.</p><p>‘Good evening, Professor,’ Tonks said teasingly, making her way over to the fireplace. Strangely, Lupin’s expression shifted slightly again, his eyes filling with something unsettlingly like sadness. Tonks, who had been about to sit down on her usual spot on the couch, changed course to move over to his chair. She bent down and kissed him gently, marvelling at the way their lips fit together.</p><p>Remus pulled away first. He cleared his throat quietly, and asked, ‘Sit down, will you?’</p><p>Tonks, surprised at this sudden change in behaviour from before the meeting, sank into her seat opposite the fire. ‘Everything okay?’</p><p>Remus’ eyes flicked away from hers. He took a moment to answer, seemingly choosing his words carefully. ‘I’ve been thinking.’</p><p>‘That’s dangerous,’ Tonks laughed. ‘If I know you, you’ve thought yourself in circles and have come up with some well-meaning but completely wrong-footed explanation.’ She tried to keep her voice light, to remove the element of fear that was slowly creeping its way into her heart.</p><p>Remus didn’t smile. ‘Listen, Tonks – we can’t – this isn’t – ’ he struggled to say, keeping his eyes fixed on some point on the rug.</p><p>Tonks’ smile faded. ‘Can’t what?’</p><p>Remus straightened up in his chair, rearranging his shirt nervously. Tonks had never seen him this uncomfortable before. ‘I think … I may have led you on somewhat,’ he said firmly.</p><p>Tonks sat up. ‘What?’ she asked, failing to keep her fear out of her voice now.</p><p>Remus spoke solidly, evenly, as though trying to convince himself. ‘We can’t do this, Tonks.’</p><p>‘Do what?’</p><p>Remus closed his eyes and took a short breath, opening them to gaze once again on the fire. ‘This. Us. We can’t happen.’</p><p>‘You need to pay more attention, Lupin – we’ve been happening for a while now,’ Tonks said. ‘Why have you suddenly become a gentleman now?’</p><p>‘Ex-act-ly,’ Remus said, clasping his hands together and sounding out every syllable. ‘I apologise for behaving so ungentlemanlike before. It was wrong of me.’</p><p>‘Ungentlemanlike? Where is this coming from?’ Tonks asked, suddenly furious. ‘You seemed perfectly happy just an hour ago in the living room.’</p><p>Remus’ expression hardened at the mention of their kiss. ‘I admit, I was – I was naïve. I let my emotions get the better of me.’</p><p>‘So there are emotions? You have feelings?’ Tonks asked. ‘Because from the way you’re acting now, you seem pretty goddamn emotionless to me, Lupin.’</p><p>‘Emotionless?’ asked Remus in a slightly hurt tone. ‘I’m trying to protect your emotions, Tonks.’</p><p>‘You can’t even look at me!’</p><p>Remus shook his head, as through trying to escape his thoughts. ‘Look, Tonks – this was unrealistic from the start.’</p><p>Tonks made no answer, so Remus pressed on. ‘You must understand that any relationship between us would be impossible.’</p><p>‘Seemed pretty possible last week.’</p><p>Remus ignored her. ‘We’re not compatible.’</p><p>‘What on earth are you talking about?’</p><p>Remus finally moved his gaze from trying to burn a hole in the fire. His eyes met hers. Tonks met his gaze solidly, though it felt like a vat of tar had been poured down her throat. She swallowed.</p><p>‘You know what I’m talking about,’ said Remus quietly.</p><p>‘If this is about the werewolf thing –’</p><p>Remus ran a hand through his greying hair.</p><p>‘ – then you must know that I don’t care – ’</p><p>‘You should,’ said Remus, even more quietly.</p><p>‘Call me a fool then, I don’t!’</p><p>‘Is that what you want to hear?’</p><p>‘No, of course not! I don’t want to hear any of this, but thanks to your goddamn chivalry I have to!’</p><p>‘Is it chivalry to care for you?’</p><p>‘That’s what I want to hear – none of this self-pitying ridiculousness.’</p><p>‘I’m not being self-pitying. I’m protecting you.’</p><p>‘Protection from what? A happy life with you?’</p><p>Remus snorted humourlessly. ‘A happy life? With an old, unemployed werewolf?’</p><p>‘Is this what this is about? You’re insecure?’</p><p>Remus stood up abruptly. ‘You’re being childish.’ He faced the fire, his hands in his pockets.</p><p>‘I’m not a child,’ Tonks said angrily. ‘I know what I want.’</p><p>‘Do you?’ Remus turned to face her. The lines in his face were amplified by the light from the fire behind him. Tonks stared back at him defiantly, anger distorting her own face. ‘Do you know exactly what you want? Do you understand what it would be like to be with me?’ Remus asked bitterly.</p><p>‘I understand that I would be happy.’</p><p>Remus began to pace the rug. ‘You couldn’t be happy with me.’</p><p>‘Don’t tell me how to feel.’</p><p>‘Tonks, I’m trying to be rational here. You must know the social … consequences of being a werewolf.’</p><p>‘Yes, I know, and I don’t care. Do you think that I’d give any weight to that rubbish?’</p><p>‘Not you. But to be with me, to be with a werewolf – you’d be under the social scrutiny as well. Family and friends would turn their backs.’</p><p>‘Those who would matter wouldn’t.’</p><p>‘You could lose your job.’</p><p>‘I don’t have to tell the Ministry who I’m dating.’</p><p>Remus made a frustrated noise. ‘That’s not the point. You would be in danger.’</p><p>‘You don’t need to protect me. I’m a grown woman, Remus. I can look out for myself,’ said Tonks. She blinked tears out of her eyes. This was not how she had pictured the night going. ‘Don’t you believe me?’</p><p>‘If you don’t have the foresight not to date a werewolf, then perhaps I don’t believe you.’</p><p>‘Foresight? I didn’t try to like you, you know. It happened on its own.’</p><p>‘It will go away on its own, then.’</p><p>Tonks laughed in incredulity. ‘Who said anything about it going away?’</p><p>‘Have you not been listening to me? I believe I’ve made it clear that we can’t be together.’</p><p>‘In that case, I believe I’ve made it clear that I don’t care about your paper-thin reasons.’</p><p>‘Is it paper-thin to you that I have no prospects? I’m unemployed – ’</p><p>‘Right, because I made a move on you because of your money,’ Tonks said sarcastically, perhaps more bitingly than she intended.</p><p>‘ – not to mention I’m old enough to be your professor, as you will constantly remind me.’</p><p>‘How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t care?’</p><p>‘And how many times do I have to tell you that you should care?’ Lupin asked furiously. ‘You should want someone else, someone that can give you more – ’</p><p>‘I don’t want someone else!’ Tonks exclaimed. She ran her finger along the edge of the couch, worrying the stray threads. ‘Isn’t that enough for you? You would prefer me to break my own heart and marry someone who doesn’t care about me?’</p><p>Remus stopped pacing. ‘Look, I don’t want to fight with you.’</p><p>‘Why? Because you don’t want to hurt me? What do you think you’re doing right now?’</p><p>Remus sighed heavily. He sat down on the couch, looking drained. Tonks turned her body to face him, wishing that she could rewind to an hour ago.</p><p>‘I didn’t mean to hurt you,’ said Remus.</p><p>‘Then stop being gallant.’ Tonks gently took his hand in her own, feeling the rough calluses beneath her fingertips. ‘We could be happy together.’</p><p>Remus stared down at their intertwined hands. He shook his head slowly. Tonks could see the wistful expression on his face, and it tore her heart to pieces. Remus removed his hand from her grip, instead folding his own together. Tonks leant back and stared at the fire.</p><p>‘I’m sorry,’ Remus said. Tonks shook her head.</p><p>They sat in silence, as they had done many times before in this room. A million thoughts were whirling through Tonks’ head. She pinched the bridge of her nose. Besides her, Remus was rubbing his temples, his eyes scrunched up. Tonks took the opportunity of staring at his face. Gone were the smile lines around his eyes, the upturned mouth, the warm expression. His face was lined and furrowed, the tiredness evident around his eyes. Tonks could see pale blue veins snaking their way up his neck, beside the long thin scar from last month. It occurred to Tonks that she had never seen him look so old before.</p><p> Remus stood up again. He drew in a long breath.</p><p>‘Good night, Tonks,’ he said calmly, as though the previous conversation had never happened. Tonks shut her eyes against the flood of tears that threatened to overwhelm her vision.</p><p>‘Good night, Remus,’ she answered. She kept her eyes shut while she listened to Remus’ footsteps leave the room, until the door clicked shut.</p><p>‘Prat,’ she half-laughed, half-cried to herself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 10 – In Which A Conversation Is Had</strong>
</p><p>Tonks spent the next two days in a bad mood. She had stomped from Grimmauld Place that night with her head in a whirl, barely able to recognise her emotions. One moment she was close to tears, the next moment ready to storm back to the library and slap Remus. She hadn’t been able to concentrate on her tasks at work, choosing instead to spent her days doodling on strips of memo paper and glowering at anyone who dared to suggest that she might need to deal with the growing stack of paperwork on her desk.</p><p>‘Nymphadora, you can’t do this forever,’ warned Kingsley, stopping by her desk.</p><p>‘Don’t call me that,’ Tonks muttered. It was hard enough that she couldn’t stop replaying her and Remus’ conversation, while also having the well-meaning Kingsley on her case.</p><p>Kingsley sighed. ‘Try to get something done this afternoon.’</p><p>Tonks nodded, not making eye contact, until Kingsley left. She stuck her tongue out at his receding footsteps, then resettled into thinking about – well, who else.</p><hr/><p>The following week, when Tonks had calmed down slightly and spent less of her time thinking about Remus, she began to realise how much she missed him. The Order had been assigning less missions lately, and consequently she had spent no time with either him or the other members. Tonks missed their late-night conversations in the library, the crackling of the fire and the lazy exchanges. She missed the way he laughed, the way he jokingly frowned at her when she said something particularly stupid, the way he slightly shook his head after he yawned. Most of all, she missed his kiss, the touch of his hands, the surprising flirty remarks.</p><p>Tonks needed to talk to him. If not to salvage their romance, at least their friendship. She sat up from where she was sitting on the couch (trying hard not to think about their kiss) and checked her watch. Not too late, maybe she could dash over there now. She stood up and reached for her coat, pulling her purple boots on. Yes, this would be good. They would have a mature, adult conversation. This would work.</p><p>That was what she told herself as she took the short journey to Grimmauld. Her stomach twisted itself into knots. This would be good. Good.</p><p>Tonks rapped on the knocker. She stood outside in the cold air, watching the way her breath made a misty cloud that was lit by the streetlamps. A cat ran across the road.</p><p>‘Tonks?’ came a voice from behind her. She spun around – to see Sirius’ confused face, peeking out from a crack in the door. ‘I know you’re bad with organisation and all, mate, but the meeting’s not for three days.’</p><p>‘Yes, I know,’ Tonks said. ‘I’m, erm … I’m here to see Remus, actually.’</p><p>Sirius’ face changed. ‘Now’s not a good time,’ he said shortly.</p><p>Tonks faltered. ‘Did he tell you not to let me in?’</p><p>Sirius shifted his feet and looked down. ‘Ah … no, he didn’t.’</p><p>‘Come on, Sirius. I need to talk to him.’</p><p>Sirius stifled a laugh, which turned into more of a grimace. ‘You won’t get much out of him.’</p><p>Tonks smiled. ‘Yes, I know, he’s impossible to talk to without making yourself look like an idiot. But I already look like one around him all of the time anyway – ’</p><p>Sirius cut her sentence short. ‘No, I mean … he physically can’t do much.’</p><p>Tonks frowned. ‘Is he hurt, or something?’</p><p>Sirius looked at her disbelievingly. ‘I don’t suppose you have a lunar chart around your house.’</p><p>Tonks’ confused expression gave way to understanding. She closed her eyes. ‘Oh,’ she breathed.</p><p>‘Mmmm. Safe journey home,’ said Sirius, making to close the door.</p><p>‘Wait, wait!’ Tonks protested. ‘I can’t just see him? I just want to talk to him.’</p><p>Sirius raised an eyebrow. ‘He doesn’t usually like visitors.’</p><p>‘Come on, Sirius. We’re friends,’ Tonks wheedled. ‘You’d let in a friend, right? It’s so cold out here…’</p><p>Sirius groaned. ‘You manipulative witch, you.’ He hesitated, then opened the door.</p><p>Tonks stepped inside gratefully. ‘Thank you.’</p><p>Sirius held up a finger warningly. ‘No indoor gymnastics.’</p><p>Tonks winked. ‘Scout’s honour.’</p><hr/><p>The house was dank and dusty, as usual. Tonks coughed as she climbed the stairs, most likely disturbing centuries-old dust. She had never been up to the second level, staying downstairs for the Order meetings where there were at least warm bodies. She couldn’t imagine anything living had ever climbed these creaky steps.</p><p>Remus’ door was slightly ajar. She could see soft light coming from inside. The house was silent, the wind whistling around the parapets on the roof. Tonks tapped on the door quietly. She peeked her head around the corner.</p><p>The room was small and largely bare. There was one tall window, shaded by dark drapes. In the corner, a grubby dresser stood, its wooden doors cracked. Behind the door, a small table served as a desk, with neatly stacked papers sitting on one side. A bookcase sat next to the desk, crammed with dark volumes. Opposite the room, directly in Tonks’ eyesight, was a small bed, in which lay Remus.</p><p>He started at the tap, looking towards Tonks. In the dim light, she couldn’t see much of his face – but what she could see, looked tired and sick, his skin paler than she had seen in a while.</p><p>‘Wild night?’ she said.</p><p>Remus sat up, slowly and painfully. ‘Something like that.’</p><p>Tonks closed the door behind her and sat down in the wooden desk chair. The silence hung thick in the air. She shifted slightly. ‘I thought you might fancy a chat.’</p><p>Remus paused. ‘If you wanted to talk about our previous conversation – ’</p><p>‘Argument, you mean,’ said Tonks.</p><p>Remus swallowed. ‘I’m very sorry for the way in which that was carried out.’</p><p>‘The way it was carried out, not the fact that it was?’ Tonks asked.</p><p>Remus leant back against the headboard. ‘Extremely rude of you to accost me like this when I can barely sit up, not to mention defend myself.’</p><p>‘That was the plan,’ said Tonks. ‘Strike while your defences are down.’</p><p>Remus chuckled. ‘What if I simply didn’t participate in your interrogation?’</p><p>‘Interrogation? I prefer to think of it as a mature conversation.’</p><p>‘Argument, you mean,’ said Remus.</p><p>Tonks couldn’t help but smile. Her heart leapt at his light tone.</p><p>‘Look, I meant what I said. I don’t want to fight with you,’ Remus said.</p><p>Tonks shook her head. ‘I’m not here to fight. I reckon we both said some things we didn’t mean last week.’</p><p>Remus fiddled with his blanket. He spoke slowly. ‘I meant it when I said we can’t be together.’</p><p>Tonks chewed the inside of her lip. She cleared her throat. ‘I think we might have taken it too fast, is all. No one ever said we had to be “together”.’</p><p>‘What would you suggest, then?’</p><p>‘How about what we were before? Friends.’</p><p>Remus took a second to think. ‘Friends,’ he repeated. He nodded slowly. ‘I’m happy with friends.’</p><p>Tonks smiled. ‘Good. Shake on it, then.’ She stood up and approached the bed with her hand stuck out. Remus took it and shook it gently. Tonks tried to ignore the fact that his touch felt like fire, lighting all of her nerve endings in a blaze.</p><p>‘To friendship,’ she said firmly.</p><p>‘To friendship,’ Remus repeated again, meeting her eyes.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <strong>Chapter 11 – In Which A Meddler Meddles</strong>
</p><p>‘Wotcher, everyone! Sorry I’m late, there was a – bit of a hold-up,’ Remus could hear Tonks say as he slipped into the Order meeting behind her. He found his way to his seat in a daze, lips still tingling and head still buzzing. He sat in as composed a manner as he could muster, one leg crossed over the other. It was a good few minutes before he registered that Mad-Eye was talking.</p><p>Remus stole a glance at Tonks. She looked unruffled, but he noticed the slightly red cheeks, the tightly crossed hands, the tinge of red in her pink hair. He suppressed a smile, instead focusing his attention on the ticking clock on the mantelpiece. Only an hour left, an hour before he and Tonks could leave the room, and …</p><p>Remus kept his head down as he replayed the kiss. It sent a shiver through him to remember the way Tonks had looked, how she had held his hand tightly, how she had leaned in. For a moment, it seemed as though a thousand butterflies had materialised in his stomach.</p><p>Remus cleared his throat and looked up, straight into Snape’s face. His eyes were burning a hole into Lupin’s head, his mouth slightly curled. The butterflies vanished as soon as they disappeared, replaced with a brick. Remus attempted to keep his face neutral and polite, giving Snape a small smile. Snape sneered and lightly raised an eyebrow.</p><p>This was not good.</p><hr/><p>At last, the meeting and dinner were over. Order members filed out of the kitchen, waving a small chorus of goodbyes and thank yous to Molly. Remus wasted no time in ducking out and making straight for the library. He had spent the last half hour of the meeting alternating between Tonks and Snape’s face. The latter had spent the last half hour in a similar fashion, wearing a vicious smile. If he wasn’t completely wrong, they were – well, to put it politely, they were screwed.</p><p>Remus sat down heavily in his favourite armchair, lighting the fire with a flick of his wand. He picked up a book but could barely read two sentences. In despair, he settled for pacing the rug instead. Perhaps he was wrong. Perhaps Snape was simply what he appeared to be – a meddler. Perhaps he had overplayed his Legilimency powers.</p><p>His heart sank as he heard the creak of the door opening.</p><p>‘Lupin,’ Snape said curtly, walking in. He was still wearing the vicious smile from the meeting. His dark eyes glittered as they regarded Remus, as one might look at a particularly juicy steak.</p><p>‘Good evening, Severus,’ Remus replied pleasantly.</p><p>‘Ever the gentleman, Lupin,’ Snape sneered. Remus inclined his head. Snape took a seat in one of the tall-backed chairs at a desk.</p><p>‘What can I do for you tonight, Severus?’ asked Remus.</p><p>Snape picked up a book from the stack on the table and leafed through it casually. ‘I thought you might be able to tell me what your plan is.’</p><p>‘Plan?’ Remus inquired. ‘I have no plan.’</p><p>Snape slammed the book shut. ‘Don’t play the fool, Lupin.’</p><p>Remus placed what he hoped was a quizzical look on his face. His mind was racing, scrambling for excuses.</p><p>Snape picked up another book. ‘You looked quite distracted at the meeting.’</p><p>‘The moon is approaching fast. I’m quite tired tonight,’ Remus said lamely.</p><p>Snape’s eye glinted. ‘Is that all?’ he asked.</p><p>Remus nodded, trying desperately to keep eye contact.</p><p>‘No, it wasn’t,’ Snape said softly.</p><p>Remus attempted to look surprised. ‘Considering that I am in fact sole owner of my brain, Severus, I think I’ll make that ruling.’</p><p>Snape stood up suddenly, his eyes staring into Remus’ dangerously. ‘I wouldn’t be so sure,’ he said smoothly.</p><p>‘If you’re going to roam through my thoughts, Severus, I would prefer you were honest about it,’ Remus said calmly.</p><p>Snape raised an eyebrow. ‘Roam? I was simply curious.’</p><p>‘Curious about business that has nothing to do with you?’</p><p>‘I consider it my duty to protect those who can’t protect themselves,’ Snape said. ‘Taking into account Nymphadora’s age and your position of power over her – I’m for her best interests, truly.’</p><p>Remus turned away from Snape, staring instead at the wood panelling. ‘For her best interests, or for my worst interests?’ he asked the wall, his fists burning.</p><p>From behind him, he could hear Snape tutting. ‘People will talk. I’m saving you the bother.’</p><p>‘Talk? About a private relationship?’</p><p>Snape rolled his eyes. ‘People tend to get a bit funny about werewolves who take advantage of young girls.’</p><p>Remus whirled around. ‘I’m not.’</p><p>‘A werewolf?’ Snape asked in mock surprise. ‘You could have fooled me.’</p><p>Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath in, then out. He opened them. ‘I’m not taking advantage of her,’ he said steadily.</p><p>Snape’s hooked nose twitched. ‘Does she know? About everything?’</p><p>‘She knows I’m a werewolf, if that’s what you’re asking.’</p><p>Snape waved him away impatiently. ‘Does she know about the money? Or the job? Or rather, the lack of them?’</p><p>Remus tried very hard not to lose his temper. He strode away from Snape, bending down to tend to the fire. ‘Yes, she does,’ he tried to say, but it came out a bit strangely.</p><p>‘I suppose you wouldn’t mind if I discussed it with her, then,’ Snape said from across the room.</p><p>‘She wouldn’t listen to you.’</p><p>‘Would you like to risk it?’ Snape asked, with venom in his voice.</p><p>‘Severus, she knows,’ Remus said, straightening up and replacing the poker. ‘Besides, I don’t quite understand why you think you have a voice in this.’</p><p>‘As I said, I’m a concerned bystander.’ Snape sat back down in the chair. ‘I’d like to ensure that she has a say in this … relationship.’ He spat out the last word as if it was something dirty.</p><p>‘What makes you think she doesn’t?’</p><p>Snape’s lip twisted unpleasantly. ‘One might think, looking from the outside, that a pretty young girl like Nymphadora wouldn’t easily go for … you.’</p><p>Remus struggled to keep himself in line. ‘One might be wrong in matters of the heart.’</p><p>‘Perhaps,’ Snape sniffed.</p><p>Remus sighed. ‘Severus, is this juvenile act necessary?’ He ran his fingers through his hair and sat down in the armchair. ‘Aren’t we beyond this?’</p><p>‘I’m looking out for a fellow Order member, not spreading puerile gossip.’</p><p>Remus looked him in the eyes, and said firmly, ‘I think it’s time for you to go.’</p><p>Snape glared at him for a couple seconds, before saying, ‘I’m keeping my eye on her, Lupin.’</p><p>‘I appreciate it,’ Remus said coldly.</p><p>Snape gave a terse nod and swept from the room.</p><p>Remus sank back in his chair, as a sickening feeling threatened to overwhelm him. If it was easy to dismiss Snape’s comments as jealous or malicious, he would feel a lot better. As it was, all he felt was cold dread creeping in. Though vicious – wasn’t he right? Tonks was a lot younger than him – this had occurred to him before, but then he had been swept up in … well, in her. Not to mention the fact that he was poor and unemployed. What would she think if she saw his old cottage? The bare, empty rooms – it was bad enough that all of his clothes were patched and fraying.</p><p>Remus stared into the fire, the warm flames making no difference to the cold in his heart. He groaned and put his head in his hands. What had he been thinking? Lupin could usually depend on his steady moral compass to guide him, but Tonks was the spanner in the works, the ice on the road. She had happened so fast that Remus barely had time to blink. How had he not realised before now how wrong this was of him? What would the others think? Various disappointed faces swam through his vision.</p><p>He looked up as he heard light footsteps down the corridor. Eurydice herself, speak of the devil. How would he handle this?</p><p>Snape’s voice still echoed in his ears. <em>Does she know? About everything?</em></p><p>Remus sat up firmly. He would have to do something. This had to stop. Snape was right, damn him. The more he thought about it, the stronger his conscience was.</p><p>Remus heard the door clicking shut. He looked up to see Tonks walking over to the fire, and for a second, everything was normal. No, not normal – it was wonderful. Tonks looked radiantly beautiful, lit up by the glowing fire. Her eyes were twinkling, directed straight at him, and for a moment nothing else existed.</p><p>‘Good evening, Professor,’ Remus heard her say. He jolted back to reality. <em>No</em>, he told himself firmly. <em>You have to do this.</em></p><p>‘Sit down, will you?’ he heard himself ask.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter 12 – In Which Their Dreams Betray Them</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Tonks jolted awake. She sat up in her bed, chest heaving as she breathed heavily. The sheets were tangled, her blanket half off the bed. Tonks pushed her hair out of her eyes and rubbed her eyelids.</p><p><em>Darn it.</em> She was having such a good dream, too. Tonks yawned and sank back down on her elbows, heart rate slowing. She tried to piece together the dream she had been having, but it fruitless. It was like trying to hold water in her cupped hands, the memories dripping away down the sink.</p><p>She remembered bits and pieces – she was on a mountain, in … China? An image of a foggy mountain top flew through her mind. Yes, that was it. And he was there with her. A warm feeling filled her chest. He was standing in front of her, talking about something. What had he been talking about? Tonks rubbed her eyes again.</p><p>Whatever he was talking about, Tonks remembered that it had been quite important. His face had been serious, his hand gestures elaborate. His eyes were staring straight into hers. Tonks closed her own eyes and leant her head back until it almost touched the pillow, trying to hold the image of his face in her mind. The warm feeling swelled.</p><p>Yes, Dream Remus had been satisfyingly attentive. He had looked at her – properly, actually, looked at her – and even touched her arm by accident once. If only Real Remus would be so agreeable.</p><p>The feeling in her chest deflated. She screwed up her nose and fell back onto her pillow with a soft thump. She stared up at the dimly lit ceiling.</p><p>It had been two months since their talk. Two months since they were in the same room alone. Two months since they had kissed.</p><p>Tonks rolled over in her bed to stare out of the window. It was early morning, and the sky was beginning to lighten. She stared moodily at a far-off chimneypot. Remus was still perfectly cordial and professional, and they still talked like friends – but she noticed that he took great care to never be in the same room as her alone or sit next to her at Order meetings. She glared at the chimneypot out the window, imagining it was his head saying, “We can’t do this, Tonks.”</p><p>Tonks scowled. She had replayed that argument over and over again, trying to remember his exact wording and expressions. Maybe she could figure out why he suddenly pulled away. It just didn’t make any sense – Remus was too rational for all of that nonsense. Surely, <em>surely </em>he would be wake up one day and realise what an idiot he was. Surely.</p><hr/><p>Across the city, in a dingy old mansion in Claremont Square, Remus woke up. He blinked a few times, his eyes adjusting to the dim light. He stared at the cracked ceiling, trying to remember his dream. He had a feeling it had been a good one, too.</p><p>Remus leaned across to his bedside table and picked up his watch, holding it up to the light from the window. It was still early in the morning – much too early for anyone else to be up. Just the time he liked. He sat up and fastened his watch around his wrist. Perhaps he would make a cup of tea and sit on the roof.</p><p>Fifteen minutes later, Remus was climbing up the stairs slowly, trying to avoid the creaky steps while also balancing a cup of tea. He emerged onto the top floor and pulled down the roof stairs with a flick of his wand.</p><p>The air was still chilly, a gentle wind nipping at his cheeks. Remus settled down onto an old armchair that Sirius had levitated onto the roof last week. He sipped his tea.</p><p>This was Remus’ favourite time of the day. The sun had not yet risen completely, the sky still dark blue above. Remus could see wisps of clouds passing by slowly, still clinging to the night-time hours. The moon hung lazily in the sky, a perfect semicircle. Remus took a moment to study its surface, the massive craters and dips of the surface still visible. When he was younger, he would envision a face in the pale expanse of the moon, the dark craters forming the eyes. Always staring at him. Younger him would stare straight back at the moon in a sort of mad no-blinking contest. Now, Remus regarded it with a calmer gaze. He was only grateful it wasn’t more full.</p><p>In the distance, he could hear birds beginning to wake up, singing their feeble songs. The train rattled over the nearby railway tracks. Remus was still trying to remember his dream. He could remember the way it made him feel – all warm and pleasant inside, as though he had just swallowed a sip of Firewhisky. He could remember flashes here and there. A packed train station. A balmy day in a tropical city somewhere. Brightly coloured birds sitting on a ledge, flapping their wings and squawking.</p><p>And something else – someone else. Yes, there had been someone there. Who was it? Someone he knew.</p><p>Remus took another sip of his tea. He furrowed his brow. The details were slipping away. Well, whoever it was, they had given Remus this warm feeling, and for that he was grateful.</p><p>Perhaps it was – no, it couldn’t be. Remus’ blood ran cold. Surely not. He was trying to stop thinking about her. He <em>was </em>stopping.</p><p><em>Obviously not, if she was in your dream</em>, a voice said in Remus’ head. He tried to ignore it. <em>I’m not thinking about her</em>, he told himself firmly. <em>That’s over and it can’t come back. Let it go.</em></p><p>The voice was insistent. <em>It could come back</em>.</p><p>Remus let himself fall back into the dream, just for a second. He closed his eyes and imagined himself back in the tropical city, the heat bearing down on him as he walked through a crowded street. In front of him was Tonks. She was leading the way, her bright hair creating a beacon that he followed through the crowd. She turned back to look at him, her radiant eyes catching his. She was beautiful, full of joy and life and surrounded by bursting colour. She reached back out for his hand. Her hand was so close – so close he could almost touch it, if he just –</p><p>Remus’ eyes snapped open. His cheeks were burning, nothing to do with the hot tea still in his hand. The hand on his lap was twitching, itching to reach out and –</p><p>Remus shook his head, trying to rid himself of the dream. <em>Stop that</em>, he said firmly, almost out loud. <em>You’re being ridiculous. Stop it.</em></p><p>Wistfully, Remus drank a mouthful of tea that he couldn’t taste. He had to stop this. It had happened frighteningly often the first few weeks after the argument. No matter how much he willed himself to stop, the dreams had kept coming. After a month, they appeared to be slowing, and Remus had thanked his lucky stars that he wasn’t thinking about Tonks all night as well as all day. This had been the first one in a while.</p><p>It was particularly rude of the universe to pair them together so often. At the Order, their easy friendship had earned them many missions together. At first, Remus had been excited to see Tonks so often. Now, more than ever, it seemed cruel. Remus spent the stakeouts trying to focus on the task at hand, constantly aware of her presence. They still talked like friends. This was the dangerous part. No matter how much Lupin tried to avoid her, to make a clean break of it, he couldn’t help but talk to her, look at her, be around her. It was frustrating. Many a time, he cursed the fact that he couldn’t choose who to be attracted to. It would make it so much easier. Maybe then he would actually be able to concentrate in the meetings, without his eyes and mind drifting back to the living room adjacent to the kitchen where they had kissed.</p><p>Remus drained his cup. The sun had begun to come up in earnest now, filling the sky with a pale pink colour. Remus could hear Sirius stomping around downstairs. He sighed and stood up. Onwards and upwards.</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 13 – In Which They Both Understand</p><p> </p><p>The evening came fast. It was autumn now, the days becoming shorter. Leaves on the trees outside were beginning to turn orange and red, intensifying the effect of the early sunsets. Tonks walked home along her street, not bothering to Apparate right to her door. Her feet squelched in the puddles left by the afternoon rain, staining her boots a darker black. She scowled. Stupid rain. Stupid London. Stupid Order meeting tonight. She had half a thought not to go, not eager to sit through another hour of no-news and worried faces. It was good that everything had calmed down, but it did give her more time to think, and this was not what she wanted right now. It would only make her more annoyed at the man who sat calmly across the table from her every week, seemingly refusing to meet her eyes.</p><p>Tonks was still frowning as she reached her front door. She let herself in and shook her coat off, throwing it onto the hall table. She walked through to her kitchen, pointedly not looking at the couch and the exact spot where – no. No. She couldn’t do this again, not so close to the meeting. It would just make her wound up and nervous, unable to do anything except think of him.</p><p>Tonks got dressed slowly, trying to drag out the time. She took some extra time with her hair, attempting an elaborate up-do before shaking out the birds’ nest and settling on a plait. At last, she glanced at her watch and sighed. It wouldn’t do to be late.</p><hr/><p>He was batting true to form at the meeting. Tonks sat in her uncomfortable chair, trying to keep her face straight above the despair and anger in her throat. It just wasn’t fair. How dare he greet her in a friendly way, knowing what it must do to her. How dare he sit there, seemingly pointedly not making eye contact, with not a hint of inner turmoil on his face. Tonks flicked her eyes away from him. It was becoming ridiculous. They never spoke about that time, or their argument. He was perfectly friendly, but somehow removed, like he was holding her at arm’s length with an apologetic smile on his face. Like he was pretending it had never happened. But how was <em>she</em> supposed to pretend that there was nothing there between them? Nothing had changed in her feelings towards him, except that now they were twisted with anger and confusion, a tinge of guilt.</p><p>If he had truly gotten over her, she might have had a fighting chance of forgetting him. But there was still something in his eyes sometimes, something in the way he spoke to her, that fed a hope somewhere in Tonks. She resented the hope, but still clung to it. It was like a burning ember, the last of the fire, that renewed each time he brushed against her, fiercely glowing orange and refusing to let her forget.</p><p>Even the other Order members had noticed that they still had a connection, something deeper than friendship. They had never mentioned it, of course, but Tonks had caught some knowing smiles and winks. Sirius was the most outright of them all, always trying to trap them in the same room together, insisting that Tonks stay after the meeting for a last drink, winking at Tonks over the rim of his glass. <em>Doesn’t he know? </em>thought Tonks irritably.</p><p>Tonight was no difference. Just as the meeting and dinner had wound down, and Tonks was preparing to leave, Sirius came up behind her and clapped her back.</p><p>“My favourite cousin!” he grinned. “Fancy a Butterbeer?”</p><p>“Not tonight, Sirius,” Tonks said sharply. “Gotta get going.” She gathered her coat up, but Sirius stopped her with a glint in his eye.</p><p>“Ah, come on. One won’t kill you,” he wheedled. “You can tell me about that run you made on the McConleys the other day. Twelve stolen wands, was it?”</p><p>Tonks pursed her lips. If she didn’t, he would just keep insisting. “Fine, okay. One.” She tried to make her voice stern.</p><p>Sirius beamed. “Atta girl. Sit down, sit down.”</p><p>Tonks laid her coat across the table again and reluctantly pushed her chair out again. The empty room <em>was </em>cold, and she only had her similarly empty flat to go back to. She stared into the dying fire moodily. Better get this over with. Tonks wasn’t surprised at all when Sirius came back into the room with three bottles.</p><p>“Oh, is someone joining us?” she said innocently.</p><p>Sirius gave her a knowing stare. “Thought I might persuade Remus to join us.”</p><p>Tonks tried to ignore the thrill she felt in her stomach at his name. She shrugged, opening one of the bottles. “Okay.”</p><p>Sirius snorted. “Back in a sec.”</p><p>Tonks sipped her Butterbeer, letting it warm her. She could hear the sound of voices in the library, made softer by the crackling fire. <em>One drink</em>, she told herself firmly. One.</p><hr/><p>Remus was trying to convince himself that one more drink couldn’t hurt. Just a couple more minutes, maybe. The air felt different tonight. Everything was slightly more magical, like a sea change had come sweeping through inner London. Tonks seemed more loosened up, encouraged by Sirius’ laughter and the Butterbeer. Remus was talking more than usual, probably a mistake on his part.</p><p>“… and there were three! Can you imagine our surprise? I thought Kingsley would do a jig on the spot, he was so happy!” Tonks finished her story to the raucous laughter of Sirius.</p><p>“I would give my left leg to see that,” Sirius said, slapping his knee. He giggled to himself. “<em>Three</em>,” he muttered, taking a swig of his third Butterbeer. His face lit up. “Hey, that reminds me of that time in Year Three, when we snuck out to see the pumpkins at Halloween,” Sirius said, turning to Remus.</p><p>Remus smiled. “When <em>you </em>snuck out, you mean.”</p><p>“I swear you were there. No, you were, remember? You distracted Pope while we ran,” Sirius said. “Henry Pope was our tyrannical Prefect,” he explained to Tonks.</p><p>“He wasn’t that bad,” Remus said mildly.</p><p>“Was so. Remember when he gave me a detention for spilling ink on the sofa? I could have siphoned that up in a second,” Sirius said, pointing at Remus, who just gave a world-weary sigh.</p><p>“Sounds like my Prefect in Year Four,” Tonks said. “Gave my friend a detention for laughing too loud. In the common room.”</p><p>“Now that is a true abuse of power,” Remus smiled. Tonks returned the smile, and his heart skipped a beat.</p><p>“Oh come on, don’t pretend that you’re all perfect,” Sirius dragged his attention away from Tonks. “I bet you showed some sort of favouritism.”</p><p>Remus raised his eyebrows. “I suppose this is why you are not a teacher.”</p><p>Sirius grinned. “Yeah, probably. I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from hexing that smarmy Malfoy into the ground.” He drained his bottle under the disapproving eye of Remus. “Ah well, that’s me for the night, I think.” Sirius made a great show of jumping up and pushing his chair into the table. Remus stiffened. Of course Sirius would have something planned like this. He tried to make eye contact, to give Sirius a Serious Stare, but he was purposefully avoiding his eyes. “Feel free to stay, Tonks.” He walked from the room, closing the door loudly.</p><p>Remus was suddenly very aware that they were alone together. Drat. His bottle was still half full. He chanced a glance over at Tonks, who was staring into the fire determinedly. Remus took the opportunity to study her face, its delicate planes. He ignored the voice in his head that told him this was not the way to get over someone. Suddenly, Tonks looked up and their eyes met. Hers were full of sadness, almost angry. Remus tore his eyes away, feeling like he had intruded on some private moment of her thoughts. He stared down at his bottle.</p><p>There was so much he wanted to say, but nothing was coming to mind. The silence stretched on.</p><p>“Well, I might get to bed, then,” Remus said, when he could bear it no longer. He forced a smile. “It’s a little late.” He stood up, trying to ignore the part of his brain screaming at him to sit back down.</p><p>“You still have half your drink left,” Tonks said.</p><p>“I’m not thirsty,” Remus said shortly.</p><p>“Am I that bad company?” Tonks smiled, but there was a bitter edge.</p><p>Remus tried to keep his tone light. “Of course not. Right, yeah, I’ll finish my drink.” He sat down, paying no attention to the happy feeling in his chest. She <em>wanted </em>to talk to him.</p><p>Again, he couldn’t think of anything to say. They sat in silence for a few minutes.</p><p>“How’s the Order business going?” Tonks asked abruptly.</p><p>“It’s fairly quiet right now. Sirius is getting more stir-crazy by the day.” Remus said.</p><p>Tonks smiled. “Yes, I could tell.”</p><p>“How is the Ministry?”</p><p>“Same as ever. The higher-ups give us some easy assignment, we finish it in a day and spend the next three weeks doing paperwork.” Tonks rolled her eyes.</p><p>Remus was out of words again. The seconds ticked by. He sipped his drink, just to have something to do. The house was completely quiet. It felt nice, peaceful. The silence was less awkward, more friendly.</p><p>“Can I ask you something?” Tonks said eventually.</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“You don’t have to answer.”</p><p>Remus inclined his head. “Okay.”</p><p>“Where did you go, after James died?”</p><p>Remus took a second to catch his breath. People usually weren’t so direct.</p><p>“Sorry,” she said. “Forget it.”</p><p>“No, it’s fine.” Remus took a deep breath. “Why do you ask?”</p><p>Tonks shrugged, tracing the rim of her bottle. “I was thinking of taking a trip. I need to get out of town for a little bit.”</p><p>“Hm. Well, I went through Europe, mainly.”</p><p>“Any interesting spots?”</p><p>“I wasn’t really there for the scenery,” Remus said sourly, the memories tainting his mood.</p><p>“Sorry, of course not.”</p><p>“Don’t worry about it. I don’t really remember where I went exactly. I took a train from France eastwards.”</p><p>“Were you looking for something?”</p><p>Remus fidgeted with the label on his bottle. “I was more running than searching.” He wondered why he was telling her this. It felt like he hadn’t talked with Tonks about anything more than the Order for a while.</p><p>Tonks was quiet for a couple seconds. “Running from what?”</p><p>“Myself, mainly.” Remus sighed. “I wouldn’t recommend it. You wake up every morning no further than where you started.”</p><p>Tonks gave a small smile. “I can’t imagine you then.”</p><p>“No, I can’t either. I didn’t look in the mirror too often in those days.”</p><p>They were quiet for a moment, letting the noise of the crackling fire fill the room. Remus leaned forward in his chair, running his hands through his hair. He looked up at Tonks, their faces closer than they had been in months. Why was he doing this? He should leave, stop talking. It would only prolong his pain, make the wound deeper once he finally committed to forgetting her.</p><p>“Can I ask you something else?” Tonks said softly.</p><p>He nodded, against his better judgement. Damn. Why couldn’t he stop talking to her? Even now, when he recognised the danger of being alone with her, he didn’t want to leave. It was as if there was something magnetic between them, an unconscious pull in his stomach towards her. Like they were meant to be like this. She was familiar to him – looking at her face was like looking in a mirror. He could pick her out of any crowd.</p><p>“What do you want?” Tonks asked. Her tone wasn’t rude, just curious.</p><p>He frowned at the unexpected question. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“What do you want?” she repeated. “I feel like I can’t figure you out sometimes. I want to know what makes you tick.” She nodded her head toward the grandfather clock, a smile playing on her lips. It made him want to kiss her very badly.</p><p>“Out of life, you mean? Or right now?”</p><p>She shrugged. “Both. Either.”</p><p>Remus wanted to laugh. What was he supposed to say? He couldn’t explain it to her. He wanted so much. Sometimes it was like his life was defined by longing. He wanted new clothes, ones with no holes in the elbows. He wanted his own house, somewhere in a forest, with a running brook nearby. For Sirius to be happy. For the moon to disappear, or for the curse in his blood to disappear, or for himself to disappear. For his parents to look at him with no trace of pity or guilt. He wanted to be stronger, to be able to do what he wanted without fear. To be able to hold down a job, one which he liked. To rip up every piece of legislature that had ever been made against him. He wanted to spend many days lying in a field of flowers and thinking about things. And of course, there were more secret, more selfish desires. He wanted the woman staring into his eyes right now to kiss him. He wanted her to whisper his name. He wanted to wake up next to her every day.</p><p>He couldn’t tell her this, of course. And yet, at the same time, he had to. Somehow, this desperate wanting had to be let out of his mind. So he said the first thing that came to him.</p><p>“Love.”</p><p>Tonks looked at him for a few seconds before nodding with satisfaction. “Yes, I thought so.”</p><p>Remus smiled, relaxing. “I bare my heart to you, and you tell me you know it?”</p><p>“It’s not exactly a unique desire, Lupin,” Tonks said scornfully. Remus liked the way she said his name.</p><p>“What about you, then?” Remus asked.</p><p>Tonks sighed and looked into the fire dreamily. “So much.” She smiled a little, her mouth creasing up at the corners. “Sometimes it feels like all I do is long for things.”</p><p>Remus started. “I was thinking the same thing before.”</p><p>“Hmm. Well, it’s human nature, I suppose.” She shifted back in her seat slightly, still gazing at the fire.</p><p>“You didn’t answer my question,” Remus said quietly.</p><p>Tonks was silent for a few seconds. “I want to be happy, mainly. I want everyone I love to be happy. And … I want to be nicer.”</p><p>“You are nice.”</p><p>Tonks smiled. “I think Kingsley may disagree. Sometimes I say things without thinking, and I only realise later that I’ve said something bad.”</p><p>“I think that means you’re honest.”</p><p>“Which is not always a good thing.”</p><p>Remus raised his eyebrows. “Better than being dishonest.”</p><p>“I suppose so.” Tonks sipped from her bottle and thought some more. “And I want … to be smarter.”</p><p>“You’re one of the smartest people I know.”</p><p>Tonks snorted. “On paper, maybe. Mostly I just feel like I’m making everything up as I go.”</p><p>“I think everybody thinks that, though.”</p><p>Tonks looked surprised. “I don’t believe – … do you really think that?”</p><p>Remus shifted in his seat. “Sometimes. I have a fairly strong moral compass, but there are some things you can’t reason your way out of.”</p><p>“I never get that impression. You always seem so in control.”</p><p>He smiled. “Don’t tell anyone else, I have them fooled as well.”</p><p>She pretended to zip up her lips. “Your secret is safe with me.” She chuckled. “What do you <em>really </em>want, then? Go on, I said two things.”</p><p>“I told you,” he said.</p><p>“You said the obvious. It’s not an answer if I already know it.”</p><p>Remus thought about this for a second. “How <em>did</em> you already know?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Tonks said thoughtfully. “I can see it in your eyes sometimes.”</p><p>“See what?”</p><p>Tonks looked at him again and made a move like she was about to take his hand but thought better of it. “Loneliness,” she said.</p><p>“I’m not lonely,” Remus said instinctively.</p><p>Tonks smiled sadly. “But you want love.”</p><p>“That doesn’t mean I’m lonely. You still haven’t answered my question, by the way.”</p><p>“Yes, it does.” Tonks ignored the second part of his answer. “Unless you’ve already found it. Love, that is.”</p><p>Remus could see where she was leading him. “Tonks…” he started.</p><p>Tonks shook her head. “I know.”</p><p>He continued anyway. “I can’t.” He stared into her eyes, and she knew what he meant. She smiled, her eyes still sad.</p><p>“Can’t we just pretend?”</p><p>“Pretend what?” Remus asked.</p><p>“That the last two months haven’t happened. That you still want to talk to me.”</p><p>“I do want to talk to you,” Remus said.</p><p>“That you still want to kiss me, then.”</p><p>Remus felt like he had been punched in the gut. Here it was, then. Here was the conversation that he’d been avoiding for two months.</p><p>“I do want to kiss you,” he said softly. Tonks’ eyes flashed, victorious.</p><p>“Why didn’t you say that before, then?” she asked. “When I asked you what you wanted.”</p><p>“What I want, and what is best, is not the same thing.” Remus hated doing this. It made him feel like the bad person, the responsible one who dashes the others’ hopes and dreams.</p><p>Tonks leaned forward and kissed him anyway. It was soft and hesitant, like their first kiss all over again. She gently placed her hand onto his jaw, stroking his cheek. Remus’ resolve nearly crumbled. This wasn’t playing fair – not the way she moved her lips against his, not the way she smiled into his mouth, or the way that her other hand found his. Like the time they danced in the library, their hands felt like they fit together.</p><p>Remus gently pulled away, an apologetic look on his face.</p><p>“Don’t look at me like that,” Tonks murmured. She sighed, probably knowing what he was going to say. Their hands were still intertwined. She ran her thumb over his, trying to make the moment last.</p><p>“We can’t,” Remus breathed.</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>They stayed like that for a minute longer. “I’m sorry,” Remus muttered. “I wish things were different.”</p><p>“I know,” Tonks said again. She stood up, untangling her hands from his. “Me too.”</p><p>She pushed her chair back to the table and put her coat on. Remus stayed where he was, still staring into the dying fire.</p><p>“See you next mission,” Tonks said.</p><p>“Goodbye, Tonks,” Remus replied, not turning around. He gazed at the last embers, the orange slowly fading from them.</p>
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